But it really hurts inside of me when they doesn’t care, or at least it seems like they doesn’t care, about what’s important to me. So yesterday I was really depressed, not only about their reaction but also about my text which I sent back. I feel really bad about it, but I think it’s good that they know how I feel, that I’m serious about it, and that it’s important to me. There has been many times when someone in my family, mostly my dad, has said something that really hurt inside, something about Christianity, you know mocking it or something. So now I really feel that they don’t care about my life-style, my spirituality, my life. Yesterday I spoke to Sannah’s mother after my mother sent me that text, I was crying and she came and hugged me and told me that they just need some time, and that they are afraid of losing me. It’s more likely that they will lose me if they say stuff like that. And it’s not like I’m gonna be saying hallelujah every two seconds, I’ll still be pretty much the same. But right now I’m hurt.

1) being the only religious person in my family I feel really lost sometimes, and it’s really hard to not being able to speak about spiritual things with my family ’cause either they don’t that much or then they laugh and kinda make fun of it. And it feels really bad that they don’t take me or my faith that serious.

2) I’ve been really afraid about what my family thinks, how they feel when I get baptized, and if someone of them will even come to my baptism. I haven’t told any of them yet because I’m really afraid of what they will say

But on Friday I’m gonna do it! For those who doesn’t really know what it means to be baptized I’ll say it shortly. To be baptized means to leave your old life, your old self behind and start fresh with Christ as your leader; be born again. For me it’s a really big step, but I think that my family will think I’m nuts, and they won’t see the point in doing it. I’ve been having this vision that they would all come to my baptism, and cheer for me, but I think I’m gonna have to be satisfied that my other family (Sannah’s family) will be there.

The camp was from the 28th to the 2nd and during that time I came really really close, and I just enjoyed every second of my time there. I experienced things, wonderful things, one evening when we had a meeting I started thinking, a lot, and then S talked me around and I went for a intercession, although I was really insecure with it. Anyway, when I spoke to this one man I said that I haven’t been able to cry for ages and that I felt like I wasn’t able to show feelings, then we talked about that for a bit. Then he started praying for me, and put his hands on me, I suddenly started crying, I cried so hard that it felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I pressed my nails into my hands really hard, and I felt so much pain and discomfort for about 10 minutes, during that time I felt more hands on me, one of them was S. After a while it started to ease off. After that I felt really good, then I talked some more with the man.

On the camp there were some guests from Italy and one from Argentina. One evening, on another meeting, the Argentinean said that he wanted to heal people, and that if we have something, some pain or just anything that isn’t right, we could come to him. So once again S talked me around and went to talk to him, and we talked a bit, I told him about my life, then he started praying for me and put his hands on me, I don’t know how long he prayed for me, but during that time I felt something change inside of me, it was like something went away, and afterwards I felt really free. Then we talked some more, quite a lot more, and he said that he wants to keep in touch with me so he knows how I’m doing among other things, and that if something bothers me I could talk to him. I’ve got so much from this camp that I don’t know if I should cry or laugh.

On the way home S came with the buss as well so we sat next to each other, and it was so great. I don’t remember if I told her this, but when we were quite close to home, I thought that ‘this will be our year, just me and her, and it’s going to be best one yet’ and then after that I said quietly ‘Yes, it will’.

Yesterday was my 19th birthday, but I didn’t really want to celebrate it, don’t know why, just didn’t want to. But S surprised me about 7 o’clock in the morning with some cake, and from that moment I knew that it was going to be a good day. I played a song which I wrote for/about S in front of the school that day. It was a song which I wrote exactly a year before we became a pair, so that’s kinda cool. Later that evening when S was at my place we got a bit boring so we went and bought a puzzle and started building it. Then at some point we started talking about how it was like when I was at Roparnäs hospital. At some point when I told about the day that I got there, I was going to say something about my dad, I suddenly started crying and I wasn’t able to say what I meant to say.We stayed up until about 1 o’clock that night just talking and building on that puzzle. So yesterday was a very emotional day.

School ended today 12 o’clock for me, and S finished a bit after 2. She came to my place and hung out there for a while, then we drove home to her. Her whole family was there so I decided to stay there for a moment. Tomorrow I’m gonna go to Helsinki with mum, dad and one of my brother, and stay there until Saturday. So that’s gonna be fun. But I don’t get to see S for a couple of days..

I’ve been having a couple of days this weird feeling, that I really can’t put my finger on. Now I’m gonna say something that may upset some of you, but I promise I won’t fool around with it anymore. I haven’t been taking my pills in a while, I don’t know why I haven’t been taking them. Maybe I thought that I’d do fine without them, but I’ve felt myself slipping a bit in the last few days. But I’m gonna start taking them, and I will not skip one single day..