Author Archives: meandmyshadow

So I told my mother yesterday, I sent her a text about my baptism. I don’t know why I even sent it because I knew the reaction I would get. She sent me back that my dad had rolled his … Continue reading →

Hi there! I’m sorry, I know I haven’t written anything for like forever. To be honest I thought about not writing anything any more, but screw that. I’ve got some really big news; I’m gonna baptized next Friday. It has … Continue reading →

The holidays are over soon and it’s back to school on Sunday. Christmas was okay it was just me, mum, dad and my two brothers. So we did what we do every Christmas; be together, eat, and share gifts etc. … Continue reading →

Hello! It’s been a while. I haven’t really had anything special to talk about and I’m not the kind of person who talks about my day and what I’ve done on it. But now I thought it ought to be … Continue reading →

Oh right, I do have a blog where I should be writing stuff every now and then.. Sunday and that means it’s back to school, I got a psychology test tomorrow, and I haven’t read anything yet. But I kinda … Continue reading →

Today I’ve felt myself somewhat depressed, and that’s mostly because today in school I suddenly realized that I have forgotten to take my pill a couple of days in a row, and that’s not good. Also, I’ve lately started thinking … Continue reading →

Monday today and things are going good. On Saturday I met S as planed and we had a good time as expected. Then she came homehome with me and met my mother, she was a bit nervous but it went … Continue reading →

I’ve become a bit slow on writing new posts here, but I’ve realized lately that when my life is going good and forward there’s no need for me to write anything. So things are going great for me at the … Continue reading →

Monday today and things are going good. The weekend went pretty fast although I didn’t see S, and I missed her very much even though it was just one weekend. My brother from Helsinki, and his girlfriend, was at home, … Continue reading →

All I gotta say is that I haven’t been this happy, or more like overjoyed, for ages! But it’s been kinda weird, because me and S have always been so very close, she has always been there for me, no … Continue reading →

Yesterday was one the most interesting days for a very long time. But it was kinda scary also, kinda very scary, but it all turned out well. I realized something, something what I thought that maybe I’ve always felt but … Continue reading →

Sunday today and it’s back to school tomorrow. These few days have been very good, nothing special to do, just relaxing and thinking. It’s been really wonderful. I’ve had some great moments and conversations too, and I feel that I’ve … Continue reading →

We got a few days of holiday from school, but so far it hasn’t been that much to cheer for; today some guy crashed my car a bit, so the front is pretty messed up, but it wasn’t my fault … Continue reading →

Today I’ve been trying not to think that much about feelings and thoughts but I don’t think I’ve managed that good, but it’s still been a very good day, one of the best ones for a while. Still, I sometimes … Continue reading →

Thoughts, feelings, questions, decisions, speculations all mixed together in my head. Now things are really (pardon my language) fucked. I want to know what I want, but I don’t know how come to an answer. And what if it wouldn’t … Continue reading →

The night to Friday I was up a bit later than I had planed. While I was laying and thinking about some stuff I suddenly felt the urge to apologize to a few people whom I’ve treated wrong. So I … Continue reading →

Yesterday was a really interesting evening/night, I went to a gathering with some friends, that kinda of place where there’s worship singing and someone who preaches. And I gotta say that night had a real impact on me, and it … Continue reading →

I’m getting a lot out of the book I’ve been reading , and I’m realizing a lot of mistakes that I do everyday, and I believe that every person does them. But yeah, the book is really good. Today while … Continue reading →

Saturday today and lots of thoughts on my mind. I’ve started reading on one of the books that my therapist said that I should read, I haven’t really read a lot but I’ve started, but even the few first pages … Continue reading →

So yesterday I spoke with J on facebook, we talked about the latest things happened. Then I asked her if she had gotten my text which I sent to her on Friday, she said that she haven’t. Then she asked … Continue reading →

Monday today and I still haven’t heard from J, but it’s not a big surprise. I’m starting to think that she may be as afraid, if not even more afraid than me. And she’s trying to not talk about stuff, … Continue reading →

So yesterday I met up with J as we agreed, and I was kinda nervous and I don’t really know why. So I met her and she looked the same as she has always looked in my eyes. So we … Continue reading →

So Thursday today, and tomorrow I’m gonna meet J, and this time I’m really gonna meet her, ’cause this time she asked me if we could meet. So I’m meeting her after school, and then no matter what I’m gonna … Continue reading →

After school sometime I went for a walk, and then on that walk I was supposed to think about what I should do about everything going on right now. Well I can’t really recall how but I ended up buying … Continue reading →

Everything is all messed up in my head, there’s just so much going on right now. I can’t even recall it all, first of all, I still haven’t seen J. We agreed on Saturday that we would meet, so I … Continue reading →

So J called me about an hour ago. She said that she got my letter today and read it and then started crying. She told me over the phone that she was so sorry about behaving like that, and that … Continue reading →

Now I’m just gonna write a short post because it’s late and I’m really tired. So I sent the letter to J yesterday, and I don’t really know what to expect. I know that I want her to call me … Continue reading →

Yesterday in therapy we talked about my progress since I went to Roparnäs, and I had to evaluate myself and how I’m doing and feeling. So told him that I’m doing a hell of a lot better than before. So … Continue reading →

So this evening I’ve been thinking a lot about J, and I might be a bit depressed at the moment too. I tried to think about what I should do about her, or don’t do with her, but I didn’t … Continue reading →

Things are going quite good, except for the fact that I still haven’t heard from J and I still haven’t talked to her about that one night. But I’ve realized that I haven’t been thinking so much about it or … Continue reading →

The last two days have been some of the best ones in a looong time, and I don’t really know, it feels good, I feel good, really good. I don’t think I’ve been this happy inside for no particular reason … Continue reading →

Today in therapy we talked a lot about thoughts and how they control one another. We talked about how one as a person can control their own thoughts and how to endure your thoughts, for example, instead of saying ‘I’m … Continue reading →

New week starting and I still haven’t spoken with J but that’s not gonna bother me today. Today is Monday and today I’m only gonna focus on Monday stuff. I’m soon going to school, some activities will do good for … Continue reading →

The more the times go by the more difficult it becomes to hold in all my thoughts about J. I really need to get it out of my head, so I don’t what I should do about it, ’cause even … Continue reading →

Today has been a really good day, lots of stuff to do and little time to think. That’s how I like it. So J hasn’t given me any sign of life for a while so I’ve decided to try and … Continue reading →

So J hasn’t called me yet or answered on my text, and I honestly don’t know what she is thinking and maybe I don’t wanna know. But I really need to speak to her, ’cause I want to let go … Continue reading →

Today I called J about three times, she answered  on the third. I told her that I needed to talk to her. Then she answered to that in a kind of way that I’ve been trying to analyze it, she … Continue reading →

This Saturday has actually been really good, I’ve had some good times with some friends and some interesting conversations and thoughts. And the best of all *drum roll* I found a Spongebob cap!!!! In Vaasa!! I had my eyes open … Continue reading →

Yesterday, on Friday, I went to working at same place where I was last year, with all of the kids. I went there feeling happy and energetic, but when I left I was pretty irritated and so tired. When I … Continue reading →

My God it’s great meeting old friends who you haven’t seen for like forever, it really rises my mood a lot. Thank you for a wonderful time today! Now I’m gonna start going home and go to work and see … Continue reading →

So just a minute ago I had one of the most headtwisting walks in a long time but it all turned out good, and now I’m much happier than I’ve been for a while. There was one moment when I … Continue reading →

…One day at a time, and everything will be just fine

Right now I feel like I’d wanna explode, and I’m not sure why, I just feel like it. There is just too much shit going on in my head and I can’t seem to get rid of it. So I … Continue reading →

So last night was… I can’t come up with an appropriate word but. I wrote on Sunday, maybe, that I was going to go visit J but it didn’t happen then on Monday I sent her a text asking if … Continue reading →

What I have in me, in my mind is you I would die if we were through What I’m feeling now what I’m heading into I am lost in pain without you So cold, so alone All I have is … Continue reading →

So here comes some shit that is on my mind. The therapy session today made me fell a bit weird and I’ve been kinda weird the whole day. J hasn’t yet answered me and beginning to become a bit worried, … Continue reading →

Please take me by the hand It’s so cold out tonight I’ll put blankets on the bed I won’t turn out the light Just don’t forget to think about me And I won’t forget you I’ll write you once a … Continue reading →

My therapy sessions started again today, and that’s kinda good but then again not. I get so depressed and confused and I start to think way to much. But then again it’s good get away some stuff off of your … Continue reading →

So today has been one of those bad days. But there has been a few good moments but they haven’t been so good that they would’ve conquered the bad. It’s funny how you expect something, and hope for something and … Continue reading →

So I had great weekend! So nice that I’m about to explode! (sense the sarcasm) My mood was down, nothing felt good, dad was kinda drunk and going on and on about the Indonesia trip and smiling and laughing. Sunday … Continue reading →

Decisions… Why must some of them be so hard? Why can’t they be easy, like milk or water? Of course having to choose between milk or water can be a hard decision as well, but it shouldn’t be, because that … Continue reading →

I had a really bad sleep last night and I think it’s because I wrote some stuff here and it made me to start think about things that I said, things that I didn’t say, things that could have said … Continue reading →

So I’m back home once again from my long trip to Indonesia, and I’ve experienced so much that I don’t really know what to say. And I’m not gonna talk about the trip so much ’cause I think that it … Continue reading →

So I had to write this post because this is something I had to get out of my mind. So here I am in Indonesia, and school is about to start and I’m having all these mixed emotions about pretty … Continue reading →

So it’s close, everything is packed and I’m still not so sure what to expect, and now it’s all gonna go so fast; when I come back it’s back to school immediately to meet all the people again, the people … Continue reading →

So I’m leaving tomorrow, and right now I’m feeling stressed as hell and I’m very restless. I’m also feeling kinda lost, I don’t really know what’s going on at the moment. I’ve started packing a bit, then I suddenly stopped … Continue reading →

Right now my head, my body and my thoughts aren’t working at all because all I’m thinking about is someone, so now I have a question; how do you stop thinking about someone? But I’m not so sure I wanna … Continue reading →

“I wonder if the things I did were just to be different”

Oh man, I can’t wait to get away from everything, every single thought, feeling and thing that is in my head. ‘Cause I feel like I’m sinking and every now and then I get stuck, I stop sinking for a … Continue reading →

Today has been a strange day. I don’t know how to explain it but something has just felt very weird today. I’ve been having all kinds of thoughts, thoughts which feel like they’ve been there for an eternity now. And … Continue reading →

Sometimes you’ve said I didn’t listen to your words That I even made you cry Maybe I didn’t show in every possible way how much I cared I’m sorry for not being myself For everything ending this way Maybe I … Continue reading →

I woke up around 7 and saw that there was no wind, no waves, so I got up, packed my things and started to head home. Around 10 o’clock the wind began to blow so I decided to try my … Continue reading →

Today I woke up for the first time around 5 because I was freezing, so I put on some more clothes but it didn’t help ’cause the wind was blowing right at the door to my tent. I got up … Continue reading →

Day 2 I woke up around 9 o’clock, ate some bread and made coffee. Now I’m gonna pack my gear and head towards Jöusan; sand beach, 2 km of cliffs and a beautiful sunset. My arms are kinda dead but … Continue reading →

So I’m back! And I haven’t been gone nearly a week ’cause my route planing was a bit wrong and I estimated it would take longer to get to the places I wanted to go to. But now comes the … Continue reading →

The route is all ready, almost everything is packed and I’m starting to feel ready. So tomorrow I’m heading out, first thing I’m gonna do tomorrow is take a shower, and then I’m ready to go. I don’t know when … Continue reading →

Hello again! It’s crazy how time just flies by, I mean it’s like two weeks until the Indonesia trip. and I haven’t realized that I’m actually going there. I mean that I know that I’m going and that it is … Continue reading →

This day has been one of the suckiest in a long time. My mood hasn’t been that good and I’ve not had the will to do anything, so all I’ve done today is listening to music and watched some tv. … Continue reading →

This place has begun to cover me I recall the light, but the dark smothers me I prefer the feelings I know right now I don’t worry about feeling very proud You don’t know how it feels To be misunderstood … Continue reading →

So now I’ve been at home for a whole week, and I’m happy to say that it has been pretty okay. I haven’t done anything bad and my mood has been pretty good as well. I’ve been trying to do … Continue reading →

I’m sitting by my window The rain is pouring down I’m thinking ’bout you And what you’re doing now This place is so strange I just wanna be free Free from all this darkness That has its hold on me … Continue reading →

How do you forget someone you don’t ever want to forget?

H guys! I’ve now been four weeks at the hospital and I’m feeling so much better now than the day I got there. So now I’m back home, full time. But there is still such a long road to go, … Continue reading →

Hi guys! It’s been awhile since my last update and much has happened. Right now I’m at home for the weekend but I’m going back tomorrow. Almost all of the people I knew at the hospital have all gotten out … Continue reading →

FUCK!!!! WHY?! It was a bad idea to go home and think that everything will go fine! I can’t be alone for one second anymore! I can’t even be at home! Why can’t I trust myself?! Why can’t I stop … Continue reading →

I’ve made some friends at the hospital too, I’ve been speaking with a girl and we’ve gotten along very good. We have talked about why we are at the hospital, and if I say my life is fucked… oh boy.. … Continue reading →

Saturday 12.5 16:46 So this is my first whole day at the mental hospital at Roparnäs. I got here yesterday and it turned out I’m not allowed to have a computer after all, so much for my ‘I’m gonna keep … Continue reading →

So this is it, the road to sanity starts tomorrow. Tomorrow I’m going to the mental hospital in Roparnäs and stay there for a few weeks. There they’ll keep an eye on me that I don’t do anything bad, so … Continue reading →

While looking for the answers, only questions come to mind ‘Cause I’ve been lost in circles, which seems now for quite some time And I don’t know how I came here, even how I got this far All I can … Continue reading →

‘Just let me go’… It’s so easy to say. But how hard is it to let go of someone? Well that depends, and in my case, letting go of You would be like walking on water for me, and who … Continue reading →

I didn’t write anything yesterday because I didn’t have the will to write anything. Yesterday I went to my apartment around 3 o’clock with my mother to pick up the most of my stuff, feels kinda weird to move out … Continue reading →

I’m on my way home from Helsinki right now. I had a really great weekend, even when I think in what situation I am right now, so it was great to just get away from everything. And my mind didn’t … Continue reading →

Today I’ve spent about five hours on a train to Helsinki. It has been so great to just get away from everything and everyone and go to a place where you don’t see that much new. So when I got … Continue reading →

Sitting on a train trying to figure out what the hell I should do. But every choice seems so bad, but I guess I just gotta do what feels right. But it feels so good to just get away for … Continue reading →

Right now my head is so messed up that I can’t really even think clearly. I know that I don’t wanna be in school and that I have absolutely no strength for it, I need a time out. So I … Continue reading →

Today, from the moment I woke up to about 12 o’clock I’ve felt this really strange feeling. When I came to school and saw all the people there, I felt like I recognized them but I had no idea why … Continue reading →

So now I’m back in the city and I have three schooldays to the next weekend. This small holiday I’ve been at home the whole time. My brother from Helsinki has been home too so I’ve been building a house … Continue reading →

Today, I’ve been doing stuff all the time so I haven’t had that much time to think about bad stuff. And I took my pill a bit later so it’s starting to wear off just now, and I’m soon gonna … Continue reading →

Last evening/night I flipped and I flipped bad, I did some bad things again, some really bad things. I’m not really sure what happened but then suddenly I sat on the floor with some bloody cuts on my arm and … Continue reading →

You know, I hate this! I hate these thoughts! I hate these feelings! I hate trying to do stuff when I know I can’t make it whatsoever! I hate feeling like this! I hate trying to be happy when I … Continue reading →

I’ve now for two days been trying to call places and people and try to figure out where I could get the help I need. I’ve been seeing this psychotherapist and that’s the kind of help I need, but I’ve … Continue reading →

Today, I’ve had that feeling, these thoughts, almost the whole day so far. And in school I just couldn’t take it, so I did something not so good. And I know it’s not good for me, but I just can’t … Continue reading →

I don’t believe, I think I’m falling asleep Is this beginning or ending? Am I stuck in a dream? I don’t wanna know what I think, I suppose Out of the light into this timely demise And there’s a cross … Continue reading →

Today after school I went and had coffee with a close friend of mine and it was really great ’cause we haven’t talked in a while, or we had talked but not like talkedtalked. And it was very interesting to … Continue reading →

I just realized I have absolutely no motivation at all, I couldn’t care less about school right now. I can’t really focus on anything else than holding back my thoughts, ’cause if I let them forth it’ll be bad. So … Continue reading →

So now all of my scissors are gone, among other things, and that’s good, but it doesn’t stop me from hitting a wall or something like that. I’m really thankful that there are people who care for me. But I … Continue reading →

I kinda “flipped out” the night to Friday and did something bad, but the most fucked up thing about ti all is that I was laughing while I was doing it, and now that I think about it I don’t … Continue reading →

1. Because I don’t deserve it 2. Because I can’t fight this 3. Because I want it to much 4. Because I don’t wanna let go 5. Because I need it 6. Because I feel that way 7. Because I … Continue reading →

I was earlier today and talked with my therapist and we talked about why I am like this, why I get these feeling and these destructive thoughts, and we talked a lot about my past, my childhood and stuff. And … Continue reading →

Thursday morning, I didn’t write anything yesterday ’cause I didn’t really know what to write. Yesterday was totally fucked, and I don’t like taking these pills. The sleeping pills are very scary, ’cause I just suddenly become very tired and … Continue reading →

So last night when I got home around half past 10 I started to hit a wall with my fist then I fell to the floor and laid there for some time. Then later when I got home again from … Continue reading →

So last night, I took my first sleeping pill an hour before I wanted to start sleeping like you’re supposed to. Then I stayed up about half an hour, and went to bed afterwards. I immediately started crying, and I … Continue reading →

Okay, so I’m gonna start my “pilldiet” soon, and I’m really scared. I read on the box that there can some side effects, and some of them are pretty fucked, so if I start acting weird, you know what it … Continue reading →

I just got home from school and all I can say is that today has been a very eventful day. Last night was really rough, in fact I had to call a person to help me, I had so many … Continue reading →

Yesterday I was mental at my worst, I had some very fucked up thoughts. But it helped a lot to talk about them, it’s like you’re processing them when you talk to someone about them, and then you really see … Continue reading →

Okay, 01:30 am and right now I’m so fucking scared of myself, I can’t explain it but I’ve a lot of “bad thoughts” lately and I’m so cared that I’m gonna start hurting myself again or take it to the … Continue reading →

Okay, now I’m gonna share a thought of mine which I think about every single day. So, I like to think of myself as a somewhat religious guy, but lately I’ve become a bit doubtful if there really is a … Continue reading →

I don’t wanna wake up today Cuz every day’s the same And I’ve been waiting so long For things to change I’m sick of this town Sick of my job Sick of my friends cuz everyone’s jaded Sick of this … Continue reading →

Today has so far been a good day, but I feel that it’s about to around and go bad, but let’s not hope that it happens. Anyway, there’s a lot of things that needs to be done before school ends … Continue reading →

Today has been one of the best days in a while and for that I’m glad. I had forgotten my keys at work and it took a while until I got them. But as soon as I got them I … Continue reading →

I’m having trouble trying to sleep I’m counting sheep but running out As time ticks by still I try No rest for crosstops in my mind On my own… here we go My eyes feel like they’re gonna bleed Dried … Continue reading →

Half past one and I just got homehome. I was so tired in school today, and not in a happy mood. I had a talk with a person in school today, and she was really worried about me. She said … Continue reading →

Friday today, that means a very short day in school, then home. But I don’t think I’m gonna stay there for the whole weekend. I didn’t sleep good at all last night, but then again I never do. There’s a … Continue reading →

Around 6 o’clock and this day has so far been more of a bad day. When I got to school I started to write a song, and in like 10 minutes I had it done. But the song was another … Continue reading →

It’s almost 12 o’clock, and I gotta say that this day has been one of the best ones in a while. Still tired and haunted by my head and thoughts, but somehow toady, I’ve been focusing on other things, and … Continue reading →

I don’t believe in the secrets you keep But I do wanna know,how do you sleep at night? And I’m over you, congratulations, And thank you for all the pain cause it made it be so much more fun There’s … Continue reading →

So I just got home from one of the weirdest school day in a while. I was in so many different moods that I can’t count them, and my head is all messed up. I have so many questions that … Continue reading →

School starting in 20 minutes, and I’m not sure what to think about this day. I’m feeling very weird today, I don’t know how to explain it but it’s somehow very weird. I didn’t sleep very well as usually, but … Continue reading →

It’s funny, how when you’re helping someone else, forget your own troubles, even for a while. It feels good when you focus your energy on someone else and their well being, and not on the things that troubles oneself. It’s … Continue reading →

So I had a nice day with a friend, and then suddenly my heart rate got all high, I couldn’t be still, and my thoughts were flying all over and everything was like a lot faster than normal. And if … Continue reading →

Monday today, school starts again tomorrow and I’m not sure if I want to go to school, sure there are lots of great people there but I feel like I don’t really care about school right now, I’m not motivated … Continue reading →

Everyone wants to call it, all around our life with a better name. Everyone falls and spins and gets up again with a friend who does the same. Everyone lies and cheats their wants and needs and still believes their … Continue reading →

This day, this Sunday, has been everything else than good. My head has been so full of all kinds of thoughts and other shit. I’ve been thinking so much that I came to a point at where I didn’t really … Continue reading →

My head is so filled with different thoughts that I don’t even know what I’m thinking about. So I’m gonna go for a stroll and try to clear something out

Sunday today and I actually have been sleeping pretty good, better than usually. I got a lot of thoughts on my mind so I’m a bit lost today as well. I told my mother that I would come home today … Continue reading →

Woke up and took a shower, I don’t know how I did it but I showered for about 40 minutes, usually it takes about 15 minutes. Saturday and the sun is shining, what could be better than that?… I’m not … Continue reading →

Okay now I’m just gonna spill it out, I’ve been seeing this psychotherapist two times now, and she has told me a lot about what she thinks is going on with me. She said that I suffer from a lot … Continue reading →

Friday and I’m still at home, but I’ll be leaving in about five hours. I’m gonna go to my home in the city, but before that I’m gonna go to a place where there are lots of people, some that … Continue reading →

The Summer sun is shining And everybody’s smiling I’m looking down, I’m crying And my heart is melting Like the snow in the Summer heat I don’t care, I’ll survive I feel so lost and alone In this darkness I’m … Continue reading →

So I just got homehome, and one thing is for sure – do not drive a car when you’ve been talking about some serious heavy shit… The talk was, I’m not sure what to say about it, but again I … Continue reading →

Yesterday was the most confusing and fucked up day in a while, but it had some good moments as well and that’s good. Today I woke up around 6, then I tried to sleep some more and I’m not sure … Continue reading →

Okay, so check this out; I’m in school, sitting and thinking, and then I see You looking inside the room and then disappearing. At first I thought I was just seeing things, but then someone asked me if he saw … Continue reading →

What if I don’t wanna be fine? What if I don’t want to smile and be happy? What if I am like this because I want to? I mean nobody wants to be sick right? But what if I want … Continue reading →

Today I’ve been tired as shit in school. And my thoughts and feelings have been completely out of control. I’ve had these very unpleasant feelings, it’s like someone has tried to choke me, it has been like really hard to … Continue reading →

Didn’t sleep that well, slept for some time but not that well. Tuesday today, and I’m still as “fucked” as yesterday and I don’t have the strength to do so much other than lay on the floor and watch the … Continue reading →

Today, I’m just sick of everything and everyone and I just wanna go and never come back. I’m tired, my head is all messed up and feel like I might explode any second. I just want to be anywhere else … Continue reading →

I couldn’t fall asleep so I went for a stroll, it was very peaceful and quiet. I also saw some bunnies hopping around. Bunnies, I don’t think bunnies have so much to worry about, maybe stuff like; don’t get hit … Continue reading →

The clock is 0:30 am, school starts in a couple of hours, and I just don’t wanna be here. I’d just like to go some place where nobody knows my name or anything about me. I’m so sick of being … Continue reading →

Do you ever think about running away ’cause i was thinkin’ about leavin’ today We’ll follow forever where our hearts wanna go Maybe we’ll live somewhere where nobody knows our names Then things might change for the good I wanna … Continue reading →

Friday night, today I’ve been pretty relaxed but I’ve been kind depressed. A good thing is that I finally got the freedom to go anywhere, anytime. Now I can just say; nope, I don’t wanna be here right now, and … Continue reading →

Friday morning. I’ve slept pretty okay actually, or not okay but a long time at least. Today I’m not feeling as fucked as I’ve been the rest of the week. I had a dream, or it was a very short … Continue reading →

The clock is almost 1 am, and I’m gonna try and get some sleep soon. I haven’t been as tense today, not like the last 3 days. And I’ve realized that everything comes and goes but then comes back again … Continue reading →

Today, I’m so not here, here where I’m supposed to be. Or I’m here but I’m not here here, you know? It’s like I’m traveling from this real world to someplace else. It happens all of a sudden, I’m here … Continue reading →

Came just home from school and realized that I need to do so much shit today, and feeling so fucked, I’m so tired but my body isn’t and really takes away my strength, so I don’t really wanna do anything … Continue reading →

Wednesday morning, feeling pretty tired, but my body is not that tense. It’s funny how your muscles can ache when you haven’t even worked out. I’m hoping that I can stay relaxed today, so that I can be normal when … Continue reading →

So last night… I don’t really know what to write about it. We went out for a walk, first we talked about just some random things, and we had so fun that I almost didn’t talk about the serious stuff. … Continue reading →

Okay, now, it’s gonna happen, we’re going to talk, or She doesn’t know that, but I’m gonna talk. So we’ll see if my life becomes better, stays the same or goes downhill. I’m so scared things will fuck up, and … Continue reading →

Okay, I wasn’t that calm today at all. My heart rate was(is) very high and my whole body has been tense all day. And people are really worried about me. A friend, who has helped me a lot, said that … Continue reading →

This weekend has been hellish. We’ve been touring with the school on this choirthing, and we’ve visited some churches, and there has been lots of people in them, and lots of people means you need to smile a lot. So … Continue reading →

Lots of thoughts and moods today, the whole day has been the weirdest. But now after a walk in the snowy weather, I’m gonna try to sleep a bit now and pray for things to turn right.

Saturday morning, I’ve slept pretty okay, but I’ve had many many thoughts head about pretty much everything. I’ve been thinking about how the fuck am I supposed to get over this, it feels so huge, and I just feel like … Continue reading →

Friday night, I was just and ate with my parents and my brothers, and it was kind of fun to see all of them at the same time. But I got these fucking feelings again, in the middle of eating, … Continue reading →

I’m still very confused about the meeting I had, the person gave me so much to think about, I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know what to say. But I know what’s wrong, I think. I just … Continue reading →

Whoa! that’s all I can say; whoa! So I went and talked to this person, and we came up with lots of interesting and a bit scary things, but not nearly as scary as I thought they would be. So … Continue reading →

I’m really nervous and scared to go talking.. What if it turns out that I have something real, something huge. And I’m really scared that I’m gonna have to let you go, if things aren’t going the way I’d like. … Continue reading →

Today I woke and my head was so heavy, I wonder if it’s possible to think so much that your head is so messed up that it can’t keep up with everything anymore. So, Thursday today, and I’m gonna go … Continue reading →

FuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!!!!!! I should really need to talk to You, but I’m way too scared. I’m so fucking scared that I will fuck things up again. Things are so good between You and me, and I’d hate for it to be … Continue reading →

I actually think that I slept good last night, about 4-5 hours. Today there’s a lot I need to have done so I hope I get something else to think about than the bad thoughts in my head. Anyway, tomorrow … Continue reading →

the clock is about 01:30 am, I came home about 1 o’clock from my walk. There was a lot of thinking but I don’t think I came up with any good solution to my problem…Now I’m gonna try to get … Continue reading →

I was right! Today was an okay day. I was tired and wanted to go somewhere else, but I managed to keep some of the worst thoughts away. But still, the more I think about You and me, the more … Continue reading →

Today feels like an okay day, I’m still pretty tired but my head doesn’t feel that messed up. I don’t feel that happy though, but I’m sure I’ll laugh and smile anyway, but it might not be real. Today I … Continue reading →

Just got home from school, today was a very weird day, I don’t know in how many different moods I’ve been in today already, and they change so fast too, so fast that it’s almost scary. Today I told You … Continue reading →

Now it’s Monday again, I’ve slept about 3 and a half hours, and I’m not int the mood for school today, I’m really not. I’m tired and I feel a bit pissed and I don’t know why. Soon all the … Continue reading →

Today has been an okay day, not good but not too bad. School starts in six hours, that means I should try and get some sleep. I really hope this week will be a lot better than last week, I … Continue reading →

The two last nights I’ve been sleeping quite okay, not good but okay. I’ve slept for a long time but not that good, and I’m guessing the alcohol might have had an effect on the sleeping. These last two days … Continue reading →

I didn’t write that much yesterday ’cause I didn’t find any words to say. But today I’m almost kinda happy, and I think that’s good. But I’m still not happy, I don’t laugh nearly as much as I did a … Continue reading →

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep Stuck in reverse And the tears come streaming down your face … Continue reading →

So now it’s Friday, I’ve slept the best I’ve slept week this last night, but I’m still tired as shit. I  always have very mixed up feelings about Friday. It’s good that I get to go home and think of … Continue reading →

It’s funny how You make me feel. It’s funny how You make me smile just by looking at me. How You always make me happier just by being You. I love it how You with every word You say lift … Continue reading →

Today I’ve been totally lost, I’ve been tired and my head has been all messed up. And right now I’d just like to get up and go, don’t where but I don’t wanna be here, ’cause I sometimes get so … Continue reading →

Come here, please hold my hand Lord now Help me, I’m scared please show me how to fight this, God has a master plan and I guess I am in His demand Please save me, this time I cannot run … Continue reading →

Today has been almost an okay day, I’ve been very tired but me head hasn’t been as messed up as the past two days, and that’s good. But right now I really don’t know what I should do, and that’s … Continue reading →

Today, I’m tired as shit. It’s a good thing I don’t have a very long school day. It’s kinda funny, how people avoid you when you’re depressed, not all of them but some of ‘em. Right now I’d really like … Continue reading →

Today I’ve been thinking veryveryvery much and I came up with some pretty fucked up shit. What if I’m just faking everything? What if I just don’t wanna sleep well? What if I’m sad and depressed because I want to? … Continue reading →

…that used to make me happy don’t make me happy anymore, and I hate it! Mostly, I get happy for like a couple of seconds but then my head says ‘You’re not happy, you’re sad and depressed’ and then I … Continue reading →

Okay, I’ve been trying to stay positive but it just ain’t working so good, It just feels like my head is about to explode into a million pieces… I’ve tried to laugh, but it doesn’t feel right. Right now I’d … Continue reading →

Okay, after about three hours of sleep it’s time for school again… YAY!!! and no less than eight hours of school. But today I’m gonna change my attitude (at least try) so that it won’t be as it was yesterday, … Continue reading →

So I got a chance to be alone for a while, it was about 1 am and thought, ‘Well, I’m not gonna get any sleep anyway’, so I went for a walk to try and clear out my head. And … Continue reading →

Now it’s almost 9 o’clock and I can just say one thing; Fuck Monday!!!! Fuck this fucking shit day!!! Today I’ve been so fucked on the inside that I can’t even believe it myself. I’ve been trying to smile, laugh … Continue reading →

Jealousy… Now that’s a BITCH!!! It’s probably one of the most unnecessary feelings in the world!! I hate that feeling!! And it’s one of those feelings that are hard to get rid of!! And if I start thinking something like … Continue reading →

Monday, they used to be one of the best days, but not today, today I just want this Monday to end.. Everybody is so, I don’t know smiling and laughing, and I try to tag along but it doesn’t feel … Continue reading →

You’re always on my mind I think of the way you laugh You always bring me around Even when I don’t want to You make me forget about About everything that troubles me You take me to a place A … Continue reading →

School starts in about 7 hours, so that means I can sleep for a long time, if I could sleep that is.. Anyway, today has been a quite okay day actually. But tomorrow, I have to put this mask again, … Continue reading →

So I’m out walking with my friend (girl) in the city, you know just talking about stuff. And then of course I see You, but I look the other way hoping you might not have noticed me, but I’m pretty … Continue reading →

Last night was okay, there was a lot of laughing and smiling, but still that’s not way it’s on the inside.. But it was so fun seeing these friends that I haven’t seen in a while so. But it’s strange … Continue reading →

I really don’t like being here, it’s way too quiet and there’s not much to do. And when it’s quiet around me, my thoughts take over, and I don’t like it, because my thoughts aren’t usually the great ones, they’re … Continue reading →

Hi there! This is my very first blog, I thought it would be good idea to have a place where I could write down all of my thoughts and that kinda shit so there will be lots of random stuff … Continue reading →