The sun is gone – But I have a light

So I told my mother yesterday, I sent her a text about my baptism. I don’t know why I even sent it because I knew the reaction I would get. She sent me back that my dad had rolled his eyes when he heard about it, and there was nothing more to it. That was exactly the reaction I waited from them. So I sent back that she can say screw you to him. And then after that I haven’t heard anything from them. I can only imagine that they started fighting about it, or something.

But it really hurts inside of me when they doesn’t care, or at least it seems like they doesn’t care, about what’s important to me. So yesterday I was really depressed, not only about their reaction but also about my text which I sent back. I feel really bad about it, but I think it’s good that they know how I feel, that I’m serious about it, and that it’s important to me. There has been many times when someone in my family, mostly my dad, has said something that really hurt inside, something about Christianity, you know mocking it or something. So now I really feel that they don’t care about my life-style, my spirituality, my life. Yesterday I spoke to Sannah’s mother after my mother sent me that text, I was crying and she came and hugged me and told me that they just need some time, and that they are afraid of losing me. It’s more likely that they will lose me if they say stuff like that. And it’s not like I’m gonna be saying hallelujah every two seconds, I’ll still be pretty much the same. But right now I’m hurt.

Hi there! I’m sorry, I know I haven’t written anything for like forever. To be honest I thought about not writing anything any more, but screw that. I’ve got some really big news; I’m gonna baptized next Friday. It has been something which has been in my thoughts a long time, but I’ve never really come to the point that I reallyreally wanna do it, but this Easter I’ve been at some meetings at EC13 in Sion, and now I’ve really decided that I wanna do it. Some of the reasons why I haven’t done it earlier are:

1) being the only religious person in my family I feel really lost sometimes, and it’s really hard to not being able to speak about spiritual things with my family ’cause either they don’t that much or then they laugh and kinda make fun of it. And it feels really bad that they don’t take me or my faith that serious.

2) I’ve been really afraid about what my family thinks, how they feel when I get baptized, and if someone of them will even come to my baptism. I haven’t told any of them yet because I’m really afraid of what they will say

But on Friday I’m gonna do it! For those who doesn’t really know what it means to be baptized I’ll say it shortly. To be baptized means to leave your old life, your old self behind and start fresh with Christ as your leader; be born again. For me it’s a really big step, but I think that my family will think I’m nuts, and they won’t see the point in doing it. I’ve been having this vision that they would all come to my baptism, and cheer for me, but I think I’m gonna have to be satisfied that my other family (Sannah’s family) will be there.

The holidays are over soon and it’s back to school on Sunday. Christmas was okay it was just me, mum, dad and my two brothers. So we did what we do every Christmas; be together, eat, and share gifts etc. and that was that Christmas, there’s not really that much to say. Then a few days later my brother from Helsinki came to visit, and stayed here until Sunday I think, but I left already on Friday to a religious camp which was being held in the most southern town in Finland. S went there already on Thursday ’cause she was in the worship team. The buss trip there took about 9 hours, and I was so tired when I got there, and then I saw S and my heart must have skipped a beat or something.

The camp was from the 28th to the 2nd and during that time I came really really close, and I just enjoyed every second of my time there. I experienced things, wonderful things, one evening when we had a meeting I started thinking, a lot, and then S talked me around and I went for a intercession, although I was really insecure with it. Anyway, when I spoke to this one man I said that I haven’t been able to cry for ages and that I felt like I wasn’t able to show feelings, then we talked about that for a bit. Then he started praying for me, and put his hands on me, I suddenly started crying, I cried so hard that it felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I pressed my nails into my hands really hard, and I felt so much pain and discomfort for about 10 minutes, during that time I felt more hands on me, one of them was S. After a while it started to ease off. After that I felt really good, then I talked some more with the man.

On the camp there were some guests from Italy and one from Argentina. One evening, on another meeting, the Argentinean said that he wanted to heal people, and that if we have something, some pain or just anything that isn’t right, we could come to him. So once again S talked me around and went to talk to him, and we talked a bit, I told him about my life, then he started praying for me and put his hands on me, I don’t know how long he prayed for me, but during that time I felt something change inside of me, it was like something went away, and afterwards I felt really free. Then we talked some more, quite a lot more, and he said that he wants to keep in touch with me so he knows how I’m doing among other things, and that if something bothers me I could talk to him. I’ve got so much from this camp that I don’t know if I should cry or laugh.

On the way home S came with the buss as well so we sat next to each other, and it was so great. I don’t remember if I told her this, but when we were quite close to home, I thought that ‘this will be our year, just me and her, and it’s going to be best one yet’ and then after that I said quietly ‘Yes, it will’.

Hello! It’s been a while. I haven’t really had anything special to talk about and I’m not the kind of person who talks about my day and what I’ve done on it. But now I thought it ought to be time to write something. Things are going great with me and S, and my feelings are only growing for her, and I feel as if I trust her more than I did before. We’ve been spending a lot of time together and I love every second I’m with her.

Yesterday was my 19th birthday, but I didn’t really want to celebrate it, don’t know why, just didn’t want to. But S surprised me about 7 o’clock in the morning with some cake, and from that moment I knew that it was going to be a good day. I played a song which I wrote for/about S in front of the school that day. It was a song which I wrote exactly a year before we became a pair, so that’s kinda cool. Later that evening when S was at my place we got a bit boring so we went and bought a puzzle and started building it. Then at some point we started talking about how it was like when I was at Roparnäs hospital. At some point when I told about the day that I got there, I was going to say something about my dad, I suddenly started crying and I wasn’t able to say what I meant to say.We stayed up until about 1 o’clock that night just talking and building on that puzzle. So yesterday was a very emotional day.

School ended today 12 o’clock for me, and S finished a bit after 2. She came to my place and hung out there for a while, then we drove home to her. Her whole family was there so I decided to stay there for a moment. Tomorrow I’m gonna go to Helsinki with mum, dad and one of my brother, and stay there until Saturday. So that’s gonna be fun. But I don’t get to see S for a couple of days..

I’ve been having a couple of days this weird feeling, that I really can’t put my finger on. Now I’m gonna say something that may upset some of you, but I promise I won’t fool around with it anymore. I haven’t been taking my pills in a while, I don’t know why I haven’t been taking them. Maybe I thought that I’d do fine without them, but I’ve felt myself slipping a bit in the last few days. But I’m gonna start taking them, and I will not skip one single day..

Oh right, I do have a blog where I should be writing stuff every now and then.. Sunday and that means it’s back to school, I got a psychology test tomorrow, and I haven’t read anything yet. But I kinda did it last year, I could try to get a better score this time, but my motivation is really down. Things are starting to calm down and turn more normal in school after me and S became a pair, and I’m glad that they are turning that way. Me and S have been together for four weeks today and it feels like we’ve been together for a much longer time. It’s funny how someone can make you feel this way, how someone can make you forget everything that troubles you at the moment and lift up your mood even when you don’t want to. Yesterday I spent most of my evening at S’s place and spent some time with her and most of her family, and it went really well, I got the feeling that they like and that they approved me so yaayy! I was really nervous but it went even better than I’ve expected. Also, S met my dad yesterday, and she was like really nervous, but that went also well. So everything is just peaches right now, and I hope they stay that way.

Today I’ve felt myself somewhat depressed, and that’s mostly because today in school I suddenly realized that I have forgotten to take my pill a couple of days in a row, and that’s not good. Also, I’ve lately started thinking that some people doesn’t like that me and S are together. I’m gonna say this very straight out, and I’m sorry if this hurts someone in any way, but I sometimes get the feeling that we’re being laughed at, and that people say stuff behind our backs, and that they think it’s ridiculous that we’re together. And I don’t like. People have also been saying that I’ve changed, but I’m gonna say that I’m not the only one who has changed. I know that me and S happened very fast, I get that, but I sometimes get the feeling that people don’t think that we’re gonna last, that we won’t be together for long. So I’m gonna say this here and now, I have never been this happy, nothing has ever felt this right before, I have never felt like this before and I will do everything and anything to make this last. No matter what will happen I’m not giving her up, and I wanna spend my whole life with her. ‘Cause I reallyreally love her!

Monday today and things are going good. On Saturday I met S as planed and we had a good time as expected. Then she came homehome with me and met my mother, she was a bit nervous but it went really good. Me and S have been talking a lot about our families, and we have come to the conclusion that they are completely different, but that doesn’t bother me ’cause all I really want is that I get along with her family and she with mine, then if our families get along, well let’s say that’s just a bonus. I started writing on a new song in the weekend, but it’s nothing to hurrah about yet. It’ll probably turn out to be a different song then all my other depressive and dark songs. Some not so funny things are going around all the time, some that have started when me and S started being together. But stuff like that will always be around so it’s best not to make a big number of them.

I’ve become a bit slow on writing new posts here, but I’ve realized lately that when my life is going good and forward there’s no need for me to write anything. So things are going great for me at the moment, I’ve never felt this loved, meaningful and special in my whole life before. So this week I’ve spent a lot of time with S and we’ve had the best time, and I really feel that she is the one, the one for me, and I’m not gonna give this up ’cause I’ve never been this sure about anything in my life before. On Wednesday I met some members of S’s family, and I was nervous like shit. But it went pretty good I guess, we didn’t really have the time to talk, but we saw each other and said ‘Hi’ so a good start in other words. It’s funny ’cause I’m not usually so nervous with things, like last year I had to sing in front of a lot of people and then I wasn’t nearly as nervous as I was on Wednesday. Today is Saturday, and I haven’t seen S since 12 o’clock yesterday and I’m already missing her a lot, but I’m gonna see her today. In other words, my life is going great right now!

Monday today and things are going good. The weekend went pretty fast although I didn’t see S, and I missed her very much even though it was just one weekend. My brother from Helsinki, and his girlfriend, was at home, they came on Friday and was there the whole weekend. Saturday morning the three of us went to the gym and oh boy it was a good workout. Then on the way home we picked up one of our other brother and then on the evening my oldest brother came home as well, with his two kids. We had a really good time, and time flew by pretty fast. Yesterday me and S had our first official date, we went to the movies and the she came over to my place and we hung out there pretty late. We had such a good time, and my feelings for her are growing every second I’m with her. More of that!

All I gotta say is that I haven’t been this happy, or more like overjoyed, for ages! But it’s been kinda weird, because me and S have always been so very close, she has always been there for me, no matter what, and she has said the same about me. And now we’re suddenly together, and I don’t really know even how it happened, but it did, and it’s the best thing that has happened in my life. It happened on Sunday, but just around yesterday sometime, I like realized that it actually happened, and that it’s real, very real. So I haven’t written anything since then ’cause I really didn’t know what to write. I have this feeling inside of me, an indescribable feeling, a feeling that I’ve never felt before and it feels (sorry my language!) fucking awesome! There’s a saying that goes something like ‘A picture says more than a thousand words’. Well in this case I’d need at least one thousand pictures to say everything I feel. But it’s kinda funny, that we’ve always been so near each other but never really realized that we belong together, but now it’s like ‘Why didn’t we start earlier?!’. I don’t know what more to write, but I’d like to write a lot more, I just don’t know how to express myself. So I’m gonna end with three words: This is wonderful!

Yesterday was one the most interesting days for a very long time. But it was kinda scary also, kinda very scary, but it all turned out well. I realized something, something what I thought that maybe I’ve always felt but never believed. I’m not lying when I say that yesterday could’ve changed my whole life, in a very wonderful way, and this will be good, and I really hope that it lasts, my God I hope this lasts. ‘Cause I know that this is gonna make everything good and everything will make sense and everything will be just like I’ve hoped, ‘Cause this will last.

Sunday today and it’s back to school tomorrow. These few days have been very good, nothing special to do, just relaxing and thinking. It’s been really wonderful. I’ve had some great moments and conversations too, and I feel that I’ve really come a bit closer. I still haven’t seen J though, but that doesn’t bother me that much either. So a new week coming up with probably some interesting things to happen. See you guys around!

We got a few days of holiday from school, but so far it hasn’t been that much to cheer for; today some guy crashed my car a bit, so the front is pretty messed up, but it wasn’t my fault so I won’t have to pay anything for the repairs and that’s good at least. I’ve been very tired since yesterday, and I haven’t had the will to do pretty much anything. This evening I met one of my closest who has always stood by side for as long as I’ve known her. And she means so much to me that I can’t even describe in words. We went out for a walk and it was really nice, but I’m so worried about her ’cause her life is a bit upside down right now, and don’t know what I could do about it. I wish I could, but it feels like I can’t. I should also need to meet J, I’ve called her today but no answer. I’ve made up my mind, and this time when I meet her I’m gonna say to her that we won’t work, we’re too different.

Today I’ve been trying not to think that much about feelings and thoughts but I don’t think I’ve managed that good, but it’s still been a very good day, one of the best ones for a while. Still, I sometimes got the feeling of being confused with my thoughts and not really knowing why I was thinking about some stuff.

I just got from a long walk with You, and I gotta say, after all the things that we’ve been through, I thank God, that we can still go out walking, and laugh our sides of. It’s indescribable how happy I am for that things are this normal between us. And I hope that You feel the same. But now I need some sleep.

Thoughts, feelings, questions, decisions, speculations all mixed together in my head. Now things are really (pardon my language) fucked. I want to know what I want, but I don’t know how come to an answer. And what if it wouldn’t work out? Then things could become bad between you and me. And that’s something I couldn’t take, ’cause I wouldn’t want to lose you in any way. And I don’t know what you want/feel, we’ve talked about a lot of this but we can’t really get anywhere. But I guess time will tell

And then there’s J also. I don’t know what’s going through her head, and maybe I don’t want to know. Everybody keeps telling me that, ‘she’s not good for’, ‘you’re too good for her’ and ‘she’s just using you’. And I don’t know, maybe it’s true, but then if it’s true, how come I don’t realize that? Why do I keep chasing her?

The night to Friday I was up a bit later than I had planed. While I was laying and thinking about some stuff I suddenly felt the urge to apologize to a few people whom I’ve treated wrong. So I sent them a small text which said that I was sorry for everything bad I’ve said or done to them, and after I sent the text I somehow felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

J called me last night, and I was really surprised that she didn’t want anything from me. She just wanted someone to talk to. I could hear that she had been drinking, and she said something about her brother that he had been in some kind of trouble and J had helped him and done some not so good things. So we talked for a while and then she suddenly said that she misses me. I think this is the first time she calls me just to talk. And the truth is, I miss her too.

Yesterday was a really interesting evening/night, I went to a gathering with some friends, that kinda of place where there’s worship singing and someone who preaches. And I gotta say that night had a real impact on me, and it felt good. I got closer, I got a lot closer, and I intend to stay here and get even closer. But I’m still going through some stuff which I need to sort out, but I hope that I get some help, some more help from now on, and that I can overcome everything that stands in my way, and I believe that I will.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my feelings, and I’ve come across something interesting, sometimes I feel that I don’t really feel that much, it’s hard to explain, but sometimes it feels that I doesn’t feel really anything, it’s just blank. Or maybe I’ve learned that feelings will always be there, and that you don’t have to think about them that much. But somehow I sometimes feel very cold on the inside, as if I wouldn’t have any feelings. And that’s very frightening, ’cause I want to feel things, but every now and then it’s just blank, no happiness, no anxiety, no sorrow, no joy, no fear, nothing. I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to cry, but the truth is I haven’t cried since the first week at Roparnäs, and sometimes I’ve really felt like crying but then after a while I’ve found myself staring at a wall instead. It really feels like no matter what would happen I won’t start crying, and I don’t if that means that I’m “strong” or just cold.

I’m getting a lot out of the book I’ve been reading , and I’m realizing a lot of mistakes that I do everyday, and I believe that every person does them. But yeah, the book is really good. Today while I was walking home from the city, I saw J outside a bar, but she didn’t see me. So I didn’t bother to go talk to her, although I really wanted to. But I honestly don’t know why I didn’t, maybe I’m just afraid of something, something that I don’t really know what, or then I maybe do know what I’m afraid of, I just push it back inside me. I really don’t know so much what’s going on with J, but it doesn’t seem to bother me that much either.

Saturday today and lots of thoughts on my mind. I’ve started reading on one of the books that my therapist said that I should read, I haven’t really read a lot but I’ve started, but even the few first pages gave me a lot to think about. I’m only hoping it will give me advice and help me in everything I do. A few nights ago, was the first time in quite a long that I actually couldn’t sleep. I ended up going for a walk with a person who means so much to me. It was really nice to go on a walk in the middle of night, ’cause it’s been awhile since the last time, and it was actually the first time I went out walking with this person. I just wanna say to you that you are one of the most important persons in my life, and I don’t know what I’d do without you. You mean the world to me, and don’t you forget it. But yeah, now I’m sitting here in my apartment and thinking about calling J, but I really don’t have anything special to say to her so maybe I shouldn’t call. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her, or even heard her voice. I’d really wanna see her.

So yesterday I spoke with J on facebook, we talked about the latest things happened. Then I asked her if she had gotten my text which I sent to her on Friday, she said that she haven’t. Then she asked what it was about, so I sent the same text to her on facebook. Then there was a pretty long pause in our conversation, and that can only mean that she was thinking about what to say. Then she said that she kissed me because I’m an important person in her life, and that I mean a lot to her, and that she likes me. Then I wanted clarification so asked her if she was sure that it just wasn’t an accident or a mistake, and she said, ‘No, it wasn’t, I really meant it’. Then she said that she hasn’t really been herself lately so she hasn’t really shown that she likes me and how much I mean to her. So yeah, we agreed to go on a “date” in the near future, to the movies. And then we’ll see what happens.

Monday today and I still haven’t heard from J, but it’s not a big surprise. I’m starting to think that she may be as afraid, if not even more afraid than me. And she’s trying to not talk about stuff, she doesn’t want to talk about stuff, but I do, so I’m thinking about calling her and asking her over the phone, but it feels kinda stupid to talk about this over the phone, but it’s soon my last option.But I don’t really even know what to say to her, so maybe it would be a good idea to figure out that first, or then I just go with the feeling and speak what ever comes to mind. If J hasn’t answered me at the end of this week, I’m calling her.

So yesterday I met up with J as we agreed, and I was kinda nervous and I don’t really know why. So I met her and she looked the same as she has always looked in my eyes. So we hugged for a while, and then we just sat down and I listened to her when she talked about everything that has happened recently and stuff she was going to do. We talked about all kinds of things but the ones I really wanted to talk about. She was in a hurry ’cause one of her friends were coming to pick her up and then they’d go out. So while she was getting ready I sat and only one thing went through my head, ‘Man up and talk with her!!!!’. But somehow I felt that I was afraid to talk to her about serious stuff, and I don’t really know why. Then I suddenly got up and went to her, and said that I want to talk about stuff. ‘Like the letter?’ she asked me. I answered ‘yeah’. Then she said that she felt so bad when she read the letter, and that she had been really messed up before she got my letter, that she tried to hang herself the same day she read my letter. Then a really scary and bad feeling grew inside of me. So then we hugged again, and then we didn’t talk so much more about it. Then her friend got there and she gave me one last hug, and then she left.

On the way home I sent her a text that said, ‘I don’t know why I didn’t ask you this, maybe I’m afraid about what you’re going to answer. But I’m gonna do the cowardly way and ask you over the phone. I want to know why you kissed me that one night’. After that I sat down on a bench and thought to myself, ‘I am such a coward! What am I even afraid of?!’. And I didn’t really come up with anything. But maybe it’s that I’m afraid to like her, but I’m also afraid that she doesn’t like me. It’s really very complicated and I can’t explain it right now…

So Thursday today, and tomorrow I’m gonna meet J, and this time I’m really gonna meet her, ’cause this time she asked me if we could meet. So I’m meeting her after school, and then no matter what I’m gonna talk to her about that one night and about everything that is on my mind about her, about us. And if it goes to shit, well, then it goes to shit and there’s not much to do about it.

After school sometime I went for a walk, and then on that walk I was supposed to think about what I should do about everything going on right now. Well I can’t really recall how but I ended up buying beer, quite a lot of beer, two pints. So then I went down to the shore to drink. And there I ended up sending a message to J which said, ‘J I wanna meet you. But it feels like you don’t wanna meet me’. She hasn’t answered me yet, but yeah. I don’t know why I started drinking, but I just feel as if I don’t know what I should do about things, and now I’m feeling a bit drunk, and that’s not good ’cause then the anxiety starts to build up, and that will only lead to bad things. I’m already starting to feel that it was a bad idea to send that text to J…

Everything is all messed up in my head, there’s just so much going on right now. I can’t even recall it all, first of all, I still haven’t seen J. We agreed on Saturday that we would meet, so I called her about 5 o’clock, and then she said that she was going take a little nap and that she would call me later. So then later, about 11 o’clock I still haven’t heard from her so I thought that she had just done what she had done so far, not call me, so I sent her a text which said something like, ‘I knew this would happen again’. So a few seconds later she calls me and said that she had been sleeping and just woke up a few minutes ago. So now I feel a bit bad about sending the text. Anyways, we agreed that we would meet today instead. So after school I called her and asked if I could come and pay a visit. This time she said that she was so messed up in her mind that she didn’t wanna see anybody, and that she would be calling me sometime… Great… So now I don’t know what’s going on with her, is she just ignoring me or whatnot. And there’s some other things going on also; a girl whom I’ve known from a few years back sent me a text a few nights ago. In the text she spoke out about her feelings towards me and that kinds of stuff. I sent back something like, ‘Whoa, that came as a surprise, I don’t really know what to say’. Then the next day she sent, ‘I was surprised too, must’ve been the booze talking…’ It’s also a bit weird in school with a few people and I’m really confused about pretty much everything. It wasn’t like this when I was depressed, everything felt so different back then, I didn’t have these kinds of problems at all. But I guess I better get used to this, and it’s a bit funny though. But yeah, lots of stuff going on, and I gotta deal with them one at a time *sigh*

So J called me about an hour ago. She said that she got my letter today and read it and then started crying. She told me over the phone that she was so sorry about behaving like that, and that she was so sorry. She also said that things have gone from bad to worse since the last time I saw her, she tried to hang herself again earlier this week, her ex had beat her up again and she found out today that she has a tumor. I’m gonna meet her tomorrow and talk about everything, but now I’m just trying to process it all, and trying to figure out what I could do to help her, and how I really feel about her, and what I really want. She said that she cares about me, very much, and that she doesn’t want to lose me. But I’ll probably write more tomorrow when I know a bit more, if I know more. My head feels all messed up right now so I’m gonna go to sleep.

Now I’m just gonna write a short post because it’s late and I’m really tired. So I sent the letter to J yesterday, and I don’t really know what to expect. I know that I want her to call me or send a message or something, but I’m pretty sure that she won’t, and that makes me feel sad. But I’ve decided that if she doesn’t call me or anything then I’m just gonna let her go, and move on, and try not to think about her. I’m a bit afraid to like her if I know that it won’t happen so I’m really careful with my feelings and trying not to think about how I feel about her, ’cause anything can happen. It might be that she calls me and says that she wants to talk, but I don’t really know if I want to like her.

Yesterday in therapy we talked about my progress since I went to Roparnäs, and I had to evaluate myself and how I’m doing and feeling. So told him that I’m doing a hell of a lot better than before. So we talked a bit and then he said that if I feel like I’m gonna be fine, and if I think that I’ll survive without therapy, I shouldn’t go there every week. So we made a deal that if I sometime in the near future need to talk, that I could call him and we’d set up a new time. He recommended some books which would be good for me to read so I’m buy them and read and get better and leave every bad thought behind.

I said in my last post that I wrote a letter to J. Well I haven’t sent it yet, I don’t know why I haven’t. But maybe it’s because I don’t wanna know what will happen when I send it and when she gets it. But that kind of thinking doesn’t suit with me anymore so I’m gonna send it today, and then we’ll see what happens.

So this evening I’ve been thinking a lot about J, and I might be a bit depressed at the moment too. I tried to think about what I should do about her, or don’t do with her, but I didn’t really come to anything, and I know that if I send her a text she won’t answer to it and I don’t wanna call her and talk about it over the phone. So I ended up writing her a letter, a long letter, where I wrote all kinds of stuff that has been on my mind since the one night I was there. But again, I’m not sure if it helps that I write to her, but I wish that she would call me someday this week. I’m kinda confused at the moment and really don’t know what more to say about this.

Tomorrow I have my therapy session again, and then I’m gonna talk about J and ask what I should do about her, and hopefully I’ll get some good advices. But more on this tomorrow.

Things are going quite good, except for the fact that I still haven’t heard from J and I still haven’t talked to her about that one night. But I’ve realized that I haven’t been thinking so much about it or about J either. She has sort of slipped away from my thoughts, and I don’t really know but I think it’s good thing. And now I don’t know what more to say about that, but we’ll see what happens in the near future. My drumming lessons started again and now I actually have the will to practice, and I’m having a good time. I have also realized that I get a feeling of happiness from very small things. It’s really starting to feel like it did before, and it’s great

The last two days have been some of the best ones in a looong time, and I don’t really know, it feels good, I feel good, really good. I don’t think I’ve been this happy inside for no particular reason for like forever. And I don’t even know why I am this happy, it’s like all the bad shit has just suddenly died and left me, moved on, stopping from tearing me down. And I feel like I’ve left it all behind, far behind, and that this the new me, the happier me, the me that I want to be, the me that I like. And now I’m smiling as I’m writing this because I can really smile nowdays without no reason, and it feels good to smile and laugh. I really feel like an other person compared to the one 4 months ago. And now I’m gonna stay this way, I won’t let anything tear me down, and if something would tear me down I’m gonna rise again and be even happier.

“Everything is gonna be alright. Be strong, believe”

Today in therapy we talked a lot about thoughts and how they control one another. We talked about how one as a person can control their own thoughts and how to endure your thoughts, for example, instead of saying ‘I’m the worst person in history!’ you should say like this, ‘I think that I am the worst person in history’, then it doesn’t become so personal. We can choose if we act on a thought or if we don’t. Today I learned so much at therapy, or maybe not learned, more like realized things that I haven’t realized before. And now I really feel that I get something out of the therapy sessions, so hurray for that. I also called J a moment ago hoping she might answer, but she didn’t. So now I’m hoping she’d call me back, but she probably won’t. But I’m not gonna think about that now.

“You are not your thoughts, you have them”

New week starting and I still haven’t spoken with J but that’s not gonna bother me today. Today is Monday and today I’m only gonna focus on Monday stuff. I’m soon going to school, some activities will do good for my thoughts because now they are flying all over the place. So school is a good place to try and focus them on just one thing. Tomorrow I’ll go to my therapy session again, and then my drum lessons are starting as well. I got a small “homework” last time I was in therapy; my homework was to speak with J, so that one went well, but at least it not my fault that we haven’t talked. But yeah, new week starting, new week starting..

The more the times go by the more difficult it becomes to hold in all my thoughts about J. I really need to get it out of my head, so I don’t what I should do about it, ’cause even if I’d call her she’d probably say that she’ll call me back and then I wait and wait but she never does. Last night I one of my brothers called me and asked if I’d like to go with him and another one of my brothers to have a beer somewhere, so we went to this one place where there were old game systems, like NES and Sega, and we had a beer and played some very old games. It was a really good night! Now I should start reading for a test that I’m having tomorrow, and I actually do feel that I have a bit of motivation read for it, but I’m feeling a bit distracted by other thoughts at the moment, but I’m gonna read a bit and see what happens.

Today has been a really good day, lots of stuff to do and little time to think. That’s how I like it. So J hasn’t given me any sign of life for a while so I’ve decided to try and keep her away from thoughts until she actually calls me, if she calls me. But until then it’s no thinking about her. Anyway, I’m feeling so much better right now then when I went to Roparnäs, and I can really like feel it, and it feels good. It hasn’t felt this good in a long time, and I feel just like it’s going uphill every day, or almost, slow and steady it’s getting better and I intend to keep it that way.

So J hasn’t called me yet or answered on my text, and I honestly don’t know what she is thinking and maybe I don’t wanna know. But I really need to speak to her, ’cause I want to let go of these thoughts or take them out from my head, but I can’t do that unless I speak with her. And this is one of those many situations which I’ve had a lot of; There’s something I need to do, someone I need to talk. But I don’t really wanna do ’cause I’m scared. Only this time I know better: you can’t try to hold things in for forever ’cause it wears you down, no matter how hard it is, because it’s harder to hold them in for a long then to actually say them. So this time, whenever there’s something that I’m afraid of I’m just gonna ‘Grab the bull by the horns’ and get it done.

Today I called J about three times, she answered  on the third. I told her that I needed to talk to her. Then she answered to that in a kind of way that I’ve been trying to analyze it, she sounded kinda worried but also a bit like she would also want to talk about things, like last Tuesday night. She wasn’t at home but she told me that she would call when she what time she would be at home. And when we hung up the phone I knew that she wouldn’t be calling me today, and she didn’t. So I’m having all kinds of mixed thoughts about her and what she really wants and what’s on her mind. I knew she wouldn’t call me so didn’t think much about it and I tried not get my hopes up on that she would call either. So I’m almost not depressed about it, but I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t a little.

This Saturday has actually been really good, I’ve had some good times with some friends and some interesting conversations and thoughts. And the best of all *drum roll* I found a Spongebob cap!!!! In Vaasa!! I had my eyes open all the time when we were on to Indonesia, but I didn’t find one anywhere, but now I have one so now it’s just awesome. Tomorrow I’m gonna call J and tell her that we need to talk, a serious talk. And I don’t really know what to expect, but I think it’s good to have no expectations what so ever, because if I have expectations then it might be that I get an answer that isn’t near your expectations and then I might start going downhill again, and that’s not not gonna happen, not a chance!! So tomorrow will maybe be a difficult day, but I think that I’ve had even more difficult days in my time so I’m sure I’ll manage. But more on that tomorrow. Now I’m just gonna take it easy for a while and then I’ll probably go to sleep.

Yesterday, on Friday, I went to working at same place where I was last year, with all of the kids. I went there feeling happy and energetic, but when I left I was pretty irritated and so tired. When I got home my brother from Helsinki was there and he’s gonna stay there a couple of weeks. Today I started my day with going to a baptism and there I felt a kind of joy inside me which I haven’t felt for a while, so that was good. Then a bit later J called me and asked what I was doing. I told her that I was driving my mum around to some places, then J said something like this, ‘Well nothing particular then’ and said bye and hung up the phone. It really feels like she only calls me when she needs something and that doesn’t feel good, so I really need to talk to her about what’s going on with us, but that I’ll move on tomorrows schedule, ’cause today I’m not gonna worry about anything.

My God it’s great meeting old friends who you haven’t seen for like forever, it really rises my mood a lot. Thank you for a wonderful time today! Now I’m gonna start going home and go to work and see more people I haven’t seen for a long time. Then tomorrow I’ll come back to Vaasa, and see what I’ll do. But that’s tomorrow and today is Friday.

So just a minute ago I had one of the most headtwisting walks in a long time but it all turned out good, and now I’m much happier than I’ve been for a while. There was one moment when I was about go home after my 8-pack of beer and go to the water and drink them so fast that I would pass out there, but I didn’t do that. Now that I think of it I can say to myself ‘What the fuck were you thinking?!’. So yeah, things are pretty good at the moment and I reallyreally hope they stay that way for a loooong time, ’cause I’m done with the bad days, the bad thoughts, the bad actions and all in all I’m done with the bad everything, from now on I just want all the good times to come.

…One day at a time, and everything will be just fine

Right now I feel like I’d wanna explode, and I’m not sure why, I just feel like it. There is just too much shit going on in my head and I can’t seem to get rid of it. So I need to start getting my hands dirty. Starting from tomorrow. I’d like some help but I don’t know how anyone could help me so, I guess I gotta try it on my own.

So last night was… I can’t come up with an appropriate word but. I wrote on Sunday, maybe, that I was going to go visit J but it didn’t happen then on Monday I sent her a text asking if she was alright but she didn’t answer to that either, so last night I phoned her at about midnight but she didn’t pick up, so I went to sleep. Then about 2 hours later she called me. She had been drinking quite a lot, she was crying a lot too, and all that I could understand was that she had met her ex somewhere and he did something to her, he hurt her in someway. When they used to date he hit her a lot so she is kinda scared of him. She said over the phone that she was really scared, so I took my bicycle and went to school to get my car and drove to her. Her makeup was all over her face because of all the crying. The first thing she did when she saw me was that she hugged, she hugged me hard. We stood there in front of her door and hugged each other for about 2 minutes. Then we went inside and I held her in my arms on the sofa for a while. Then she asked me if I could stay the night so I did, of course. And then just before we began to sleep, she kissed me, twice, and said that she was so happy that I came to comfort her. Then in the morning when I woke up in time to get to school I wrote her a note and put in on the night table, and then I kissed her cheek and left. And I’ve been trying all day to process what happened last night. And what I should do now, ’cause I really like her, but we are like from two different worlds. But then when I’m with her it doesn’t feel like that.

What I have in me, in my mind is you
I would die if we were through
What I’m feeling now what I’m heading into
I am lost in pain without you
So cold, so alone

All I have is you
It is all that I’m breathing for
All I need is you
Now I can’t make it through

All the nights I’ve prayed
Must this all be untrue
I am not prepared to be strong
I just can’t believe
I am losing you
Unprepared to carry on
I can’t see you walk away
So cold, so alone

All I have is you
It is all that I’m breathing for
All I need is you
Now I can’t make it through
I am losing you forever
I am lost in pain without you
I am leaving ground forever

Distant, so far, destiny is selecting me
I can’t be strong life is disconnecting me
Now loneliness infecting me
Gone are the days
You were there protecting me
So cold, so alone

All I have is you
It is all that I’m breathing for
All I need is you
Now I can’t make it through
I am losing you forever
I am lost in pain without you
I am leaving ground forever

All I have is you
It is all that I’m breathing for
All I need is you
Now I can’t make it through

So here comes some shit that is on my mind. The therapy session today made me fell a bit weird and I’ve been kinda weird the whole day. J hasn’t yet answered me and beginning to become a bit worried, ’cause if you’d know her you’d also be worried, but I’ve been trying not think about her but it’s hard to not to. I have also started to feel very far away from my old class but then again I’m getting a lot closer to my new one, but I don’t know what to think about that. And there’s some other pretty fucked up shit. About a year ago, when things were at their worst between You and me I went on a couple of dates with a girl, who I met at some camp, we went minigolfing and to movies and did all kinds of stuff. I thought that it would be a good idea to try to get over You, but it just felt more weird and somehow wrong against my feelings the more I was with her, so I kinda, you know, cut the line between us, and not in a good way, I kinda just put distance between us. And then we stopped seeing each other. So then school starts and there she is, the same girl I went out on a few dates with and then cut her loose. And we haven’t seen each other or spoken to each other for a long time, and now I see her everyday. There’s nothing wrong with her but it’s very weird seeing her and don’t really know what to say to her and it’s just weird and I don’t feel comfortable with this situation ’cause I don’t know how to cope with it. So now I’m sitting here in dark listening to music and think about J, about You, about my whole life, about how I feel, about how I should feel, about what I should do, about BRAINOVERLOAD!!!!! Goodnight! Fuck this shit!

Please take me by the hand
It’s so cold out tonight
I’ll put blankets on the bed
I won’t turn out the light
Just don’t forget to think about me
And I won’t forget you
I’ll write you once a week she said

Why does it feel the same
To fall in love or break it off
And if young love is just a game
Then I must have missed the kick off
Don’t depend on me to ever follow through on anything
But I’d go through hell for you and

I haven’t been this scared in a long time
And I’m so unprepared so here’s your valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world’s and ugly place, but you’re so beautiful to me

I’ll think about the times
She kissed me after class
And she put up with my friends
I acted like an ass
I’d ditch my lecture to watch the girls play soccer
Is my picture still hanging in her locker?

I haven’t been this scared in a long time
And I’m so unprepared so here’s your valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world’s and ugly place, but you’re so beautiful to me

I haven’t been this scared in a long time
And I’m so unprepared so here’s your valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world’s and ugly place, but you’re so beautiful to me

My therapy sessions started again today, and that’s kinda good but then again not. I get so depressed and confused and I start to think way to much. But then again it’s good get away some stuff off of your chest. We talked about all kinds of stuff about me, about my way of life, about why I live that way etc. But I think it’s good. Anyways, Monday today and this week hasn’t started good, yesterday I sent a text to J, but she didn’t answer so I can only assume that she went out drinking and didn’t bother to send me a text. And now I’m very confused about what she wants, but I’m too scared to ask her because I don’t wanna feel abandoned, again.

So today has been one of those bad days. But there has been a few good moments but they haven’t been so good that they would’ve conquered the bad. It’s funny how you expect something, and hope for something and than it doesn’t happen. Like you go to the store, you know exactly what you’re gonna buy, and you think about it, and you long for it. And then you get to the store and you find out that there isn’t the thing you wanted to buy. So this is like that only on a lot bigger scale. So my day hasn’t been so much to say hurray for. This has to with a certain person who has become a somewhat part of my life, but I’m not really sure what’s going with all of that. I feel kinda confused and sad and somehow a bit alone and I don’t really know what I should do ’cause I don’t wanna become abandoned, and I don’t want to get attached to someone with who I don’t know if it’s gonna work ’cause if it wouldn’t work, if I want it to work and it doesn’t, that would just put me right back to the dark endless hole, and I’ve been there before, I’ve been through all of that with You, and I don’t want it to happen again, but it could happen, and I’m kinda scared. But I’m always scared nowdays anyway so..

So I had great weekend! So nice that I’m about to explode! (sense the sarcasm) My mood was down, nothing felt good, dad was kinda drunk and going on and on about the Indonesia trip and smiling and laughing. Sunday today and I’m going back to Vaasa. But first I’m gonna go visit J, hopefully, and see where we are with things. My God, I’ve had so many talks about that kinds of things with so many different persons that I can’t even count them, and you’d think that with so much experience it would feel normal and not at all nerve wrecking or scary. But I think that you’ll never get so used to those talks that it would start to feel “normal”. Anyway, this is going to be an interesting day, could be a bad day but I’m not saying that it will be, just that it might.

Decisions… Why must some of them be so hard? Why can’t they be easy, like milk or water? Of course having to choose between milk or water can be a hard decision as well, but it shouldn’t be, because that decision doesn’t really matter that much. But then again if you have a really hard decision to make, and one that matters a lot, you have to think about it, about the consequences, about everything, and that can really wear you down, especially if it’s a decision you have to make eventually, and you think ‘The sooner, the better’. So you want to make that decision as fast as possible, but not too fast. You don’t want to make the decision because it’s a really hard one. You don’t want to think about it, ’cause you can’t make up your mind on what to do, but then again you can’t get it out of your mind. And then if you have a difficult decision that involves someone else and choose one of the options available, you put the ball in the hands of the other person, and now the other person must think about what he/she heard, analyze it, understand it, then think about an answer, think about the consequences of the answer and reply to what the other person said. I don’t really know why I wrote all of this, it’s maybe because I’ve been thinking a lot about some stuff, and I’ve realized that I have to make a decision, a hard decision, one that I’m not at all comfortable making but it’s one I have to do. And I’ve realized that in that one difficult decision there are a couple of more decisions in it, which all depend on the first decision. This may sound very confusing, and I gotta figure it out. The sooner, the better. Starting from tomorrow, I hope.

I had a really bad sleep last night and I think it’s because I wrote some stuff here and it made me to start think about things that I said, things that I didn’t say, things that could have said and things that I will say. Anyway, thank God for Friday! Now I get to go home and clear my head and focus on the important things instead of the fucked up things, but there are a lot of fucked up things going on and I haven’t nearly wrote everything here, but I will in time I guess, when that time is right. But now I’m just gonna go home, take it easy and try not think to much.

So I’m back home once again from my long trip to Indonesia, and I’ve experienced so much that I don’t really know what to say. And I’m not gonna talk about the trip so much ’cause I think that it isn’t really that interesting. I can say that I’ve fallen in love with the underwater world; I’ve been snorkeling very much, and I’ve seen so beautiful corals and fish that I can’t even describe them. I’ve swum with turtles and touched a nemo and seen all kinds of fish that I never knew they existed. I got myself an open water diver card, so now I can go diving up to 18 meters, and I love it!! But enough about that, ’cause there are more important things to say. First of all, my last post; I really hope You didn’t get the wrong idea about it, ’cause I still hope that we can be at least friends and still do the things we used to do. I’m saying this because now that school has started again and I see You everyday, and I don’t think we have said one word to each other yet. It feels like You’re near but so far away at the same time, and I don’t like it. So, yeah school started yesterday and it feels weird as hell to not be with my old classmates and do the same things that they do, I somehow feel so distant from all of them. But I hope that feeling will go away in the near future, but it just feels so weird. There are though some great people of my new classmates and I hope that I get to know them better. But for now it just feels weird to not be in my old class. And there are a lot of more things happening but I think I’ll spare you from them for a moment at least. I’m so glad that we got the macbooks from school so that I can write posts almost whenever I feel like it. But I think I’ve said all thought about saying in this post, I’ll write more later. I’m glad to be home

So I had to write this post because this is something I had to get out of my mind. So here I am in Indonesia, and school is about to start and I’m having all these mixed emotions about pretty much everything. But there is this one thing I have to say; lately I’ve realized I haven’t been thinking as much about You as I used to be and not at all in the same way as before. I don’t know if it’s just because I haven’t seen You or talked to you in a long time and it might be that everything, every feeling every thought that I’ve about You comes right back when I see You again. And I’m very sorry if this offends You in any way but, I kinda hope that they won’t come back, because I’m so tired of chasing you, and it feels like it won’t ever happen anyways. And I really think that we both need to stop with everything that has been going on between us and just let bygones be bygones and move on. But don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret anything that I’ve said to you and I really don’t know why I’m writing all of this now but I just had to get it out. I hope if You’re reading this that You won’t hate me or anything I still like You, very much, but sometimes no matter how right it feels it could be that it’s not.

So it’s close, everything is packed and I’m still not so sure what to expect, and now it’s all gonna go so fast; when I come back it’s back to school immediately to meet all the people again, the people to whom I haven’t spoken with in months, and You will be there, it makes me feel weird when I think about seeing You again, I don’t know how it’ll feel, and I’m not sure I wanna know. Tomorrow morning train to Helsinki, then we get on a plane which will take us to Istanbul where there will be a quick stop, then the same flight continues to Singapore and there we have a couple of hours until the next plane to Bali, then we stay in Bali for a few days and then there’s another flight that will take us to Dili in East Timor. But I can’t really tell you how I feel about all this because I honestly don’t know how I feel about this trip, about school starting, about seeing You, I’m not really sure about anything right now, and that scares me. And then there’s this girl, the one from the hospital, with whom I’ve spent a lot of time lately, and I’m not really sure how I feel about her either, but she’s probably the biggest reason I could have for staying at home ’cause I really think I like her, a lot, but I don’t know, it feels like I don’t know anything about what is happening around me, it feels like I can’t really control it, like everything is just going so fast that I need to struggle hard to keep up with everything and I feel that if things continue to go this fast I can’t keep up and then everything will fall apart again. So this will be my last post for a while, and maybe it’s best that way ’cause I think way too much whenever I’m writing a post, and I start feeling all weird too. So, I’ll see you guys around! Peace out!

So I’m leaving tomorrow, and right now I’m feeling stressed as hell and I’m very restless. I’m also feeling kinda lost, I don’t really know what’s going on at the moment. I’ve started packing a bit, then I suddenly stopped and thought, ‘What am I really doing?’ I had to go out and take some fresh air. I shaved my beard too, it’s weird looking in the mirror ’cause I haven’t had shaved like this for about six months. All in all I’m feeling very weird today, and I’m also having some very mixed emotions about leaving, I wanna go but then again I could also stay, but I’m gonna go.

Right now my head, my body and my thoughts aren’t working at all because all I’m thinking about is someone, so now I have a question; how do you stop thinking about someone? But I’m not so sure I wanna stop thinking about this person. I was about to do something big today, and I don’t know why I didn’t do it, but I didn’t. So now I’m sitting wondering if I should have done it or if it’s better to just let it be. But I’m kinda regretting that I didn’t do it, but on the other hand, maybe I’m not ready yet. But I feel like I want to do it, and if I don’t do it I might not get another chance, ’cause I’m leaving on Sunday and I’m gonna be gone a while, so then if something happens to me while I’m there or if it just won’t work when I get back. I feel that this is gonna be a night when I can’t sleep, and it’s been a while since I had one of those. But what if…

“I wonder if the things I did were just to be different”

Oh man, I can’t wait to get away from everything, every single thought, feeling and thing that is in my head. ‘Cause I feel like I’m sinking and every now and then I get stuck, I stop sinking for a while, and then suddenly I sink faster than ever. And I’m so scared, but I’m not really so sure what I’m actually scared of, ’cause it feels like I don’t have anything to be scared of but then again I feel like I should be scared of something. I don’t really know what’s going on with my head, thoughts and feelings anymore. It’s all so confusing and I don’t know how I should cope with it. Some days I still feel like I’d wanna die, ’cause it would be such an easy way to get rid of it all and everybody. But some days it doesn’t feel all that bad. I just this all makes sense someday, but I don’t wanna get my hopes up so. Now there’s another thing, HOPE. What is hope? “Hope is the emotional state which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hope). The way I see it is that hope is something that tricks your mind to think that something will be good or that something will work. So you say to your brain that you will get over it, and then there are two outcomes 1) You get over and everything will be fine. 2) You won’t get over it and everything will be crappy. So if I hope for something, I wanna be quite sure that it will happen ’cause otherwise I it will just bring me down so fast and so deep that you can’t imagine it. And believe me, I’ve hoped for so much and hope has let me down so many times that I’m not hoping for anything nowdays. I think just think that if it turns out good, it’s a good thing, and if it turns out bad, it’s a bad thing. So I’m gonna say that for me hope is a worthless thing, a fairy tale, to make us more blind from the world, and makes us unable to see how the world really works. That’s my personal opinion on hope; I’m sorry if this was offensive to some people, but this is my conclusion. And it’s been made from personal experiences.

Today has been a strange day. I don’t know how to explain it but something has just felt very weird today. I’ve been having all kinds of thoughts, thoughts which feel like they’ve been there for an eternity now. And I don’t seem to get rid of of these thoughts/feelings/whatever no matter what I do. Sometimes I kinda “forget” them for a couple of days, but then they come crawling up my legs and go into brain. The past couple of days I’ve started thinking about school and how it will be when it starts again, when I see everyone again, when I see You again, how will it feel then, what if I get lost again. It feels kinda scary to think about it, but I can’t really help it. I hope that I get something else to think about when we go to Indonesia, or that I forget to think about it. But it’s gonna be so weird when school starts again, and I’m not so sure what will happen when I see You again, how it will feel.

Sometimes you’ve said I didn’t listen to your words
That I even made you cry
Maybe I didn’t show in every possible way
how much I cared

I’m sorry for
not being myself
For everything
ending this way

Maybe I maybe you
could made this change
I’m sorry for
for everything

I wish that I could stop your tears from falling down
Probably I’d make it worse
Maybe I wasn’t always there
But it doesn’t mean I don’t care
Whatever it was

I’m sorry for
not being myself
For everything
ending this way

Maybe I maybe you
could made this change
I’m sorry for
For everything

We’re minutes away
from saying goodbye for all of time
I’m second away
from breaking apart

I’m sorry for
for everything
…I’m sorry for not being myself…

For everything
ending this way
maybe I maybe you could made this change

I’m sorry for
…I’m sorry for everything…
for everything
…for everything…

I woke up around 7 and saw that there was no wind, no waves, so I got up, packed my things and started to head home. Around 10 o’clock the wind began to blow so I decided to try my sail and it worked pretty good; so I took a break and let the wind carry me forward. I took a bit different route home then the one I came, a shorter one in fact. I went under an other bridge and then there was a straight line home. So after hours of paddling I’m back home. Now I get to rest for a week and then it’s off to Indonesia! But first, I need a shower

Today I woke up for the first time around 5 because I was freezing, so I put on some more clothes but it didn’t help ’cause the wind was blowing right at the door to my tent. I got up about 10 o’clock and started building a wind shelter. I had packed a small axe with me but of course I didn’t find it, so I used a “sharp” stone to chop some wood and I think I managed pretty good. The wind is strong today so I’m gonna stay here another night and hope for better weather for tomorrow.

I’m thinking about taking a swim and change my clothes ’cause they are pretty sweaty as you can imagine. I’m pretty sad because the battery on my camera is dying so I’m not gonna be able to take as much pictures as I’d want.

So while I was eating I looked out to sea and saw the waves and the wind, I looked over at my canoe, scratched my head and started building a mast. With a long stick and a lot of rope I did a pretty good job. Now all I need to do is attach a big black plastic bag on it and I have a sail. But I’m not sure if it’ll work, but I might be “sailing” home tomorrow.

My God it’s peaceful here, and I don’t have to do anything, just sit and watch the waves and think about everything that pops in my head. Tomorrow I’m gonna start heading home.

For the past four hours I’ve been sitting, laying and even sleeping on a cliff, just watching the waves smash against the rocks. The sun is gonna go down in about two hours and then I’m gonna so to sleep ’cause tomorrow will probably be an exhausting day.

Day 2

I woke up around 9 o’clock, ate some bread and made coffee. Now I’m gonna pack my gear and head towards Jöusan; sand beach, 2 km of cliffs and a beautiful sunset. My arms are kinda dead but I hope I can reach Jöusan today.

I’ve been paddling now for some time and I decided to take a break, rest my arms and eat something. Today there is only a cool small breeze = perfect canoe weather.

Oh boy do I got a story for you! After my little break I carried on towards Jöusan, the wind tried its best by slowly moving me to one side, but I pushed on. After about 5-6 km I paddled quite close to the shore and there were so many rocks there that my canoe got stuck; so I jumped in the water and for the next hour or so I was knee deep in water trying to navigate my canoe through the rock infested shore, then I looked up and saw Jöusan. I took a short break and started paddling towards it, about 2,5 km, strong side wind and big waves was between us. And I gotta say that I’m not usually really not so scared of anything, but when I was about halfway to Jöusan, I looked to my left and saw nothing but sea and these big waves coming right at me. I don’t know how many times I yelled at myself ‘Don’t look at the waves!’ But I made it! So here I am sitting on a cliff and seeing only the sea in front of me. Pretty fucking awesome!

One of the good things is that there is an outhouse toilet thingy here, so now I can finally, pardon my french, take a dump. I’m thinking I might stay here at least tomorrow and rest my arms ’cause they’ve had a pretty rough two days.

The sun is gonna go down pretty soon so me and my camera are going to the cliffs.

Woow! B-E-A-utiful! That’s all I can say

So I’m back! And I haven’t been gone nearly a week ’cause my route planing was a bit wrong and I estimated it would take longer to get to the places I wanted to go to. But now comes the long text, my journal, over the past four days. I’m gonna write them as one post for one day so this one doesn’t get too big.

Day 1

I started my day with a shower, a long shower, then I stayed home and ate lunch before heading out to sea. So about 12 o’clock I started my journey and the wind… The wind was pretty fucking windy is all I can say. The first two hours was enormously exhausting, but after that I came to more sheltered place and was now heading north with the wind coming perfectly from behind me, so I took a break and let the wind slowly move me forward. After some time I came to the bridge, which I had planned to go under sometime tomorrow, as I went under it suddenly started laughing, and it echoed quite good. I went through this narrow gap and came out in the open again. I finally found an island where there were no houses so I went ashore, tied my canoe to a tree and went exploring. I found a good spot for my tent so carried everything there and set up my tent. I came here around 16:00 so no wonder I’m beat after 4 hours of paddling. So now I’m sitting on a huge rock by the shore, listening to the wind and watching the trees.

I made food, some pasta thingy, which kinda got burned at the bottom of the kettle so afterwards I spent about forty minutes trying to get it off. Then I thought that now would be a good time to send a text to my parents and let them know everything was great. So I turned on my phone only to discover that the battery was near death. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t panic. I quickly phoned my mum and told her I need a phone. So now I had to paddle back to the bridge(2 km) to meet my mother who gave me a fully charged phone; and back we paddle. I told you before I was beat, well now I’m totally beat. So now I’m gonna watch the sun go down and then go to sleep, it’s been one hell of a day!

The route is all ready, almost everything is packed and I’m starting to feel ready. So tomorrow I’m heading out, first thing I’m gonna do tomorrow is take a shower, and then I’m ready to go. I don’t know when I’m coming back, but I’ll gone a week at most, if anything doesn’t happen to me. But I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine, but of course I’ve gone through some of the things that might happen; like if the canoe tips over or I hurt myself bad or if I get bitten by a snake etc. But I’m feeling confident and prepared for this journey, so I’ll post next time in a week or whenever I get back. Peace out guys!

Hello again! It’s crazy how time just flies by, I mean it’s like two weeks until the Indonesia trip. and I haven’t realized that I’m actually going there. I mean that I know that I’m going and that it is pretty soon but my brain hasn’t processed the whole thing. It feels like I’m really that excited about it, but I really am. But I’m sure I’ll realize it soon enough, or at least when I’m sitting on the plane.. I hope. Next week, on Monday I’m heading out into the wild with my canoe. Tomorrow I’m gonna go over some maps and start planing where I’m going, then on Sunday I’m gonna pack everything up and first thing om Monday I’m heading out. It’s gonna be so peaceful and relaxing, and the best of it is that I’m gonna be alone. I really think I need some alonetime, some time to just focus on myself and go through everything that has happened for the past year or so. I’m planing on being a whole week, but we’ll see. Today I realized something, in life we all come many crossroads and when you come to one you can’t just walk someway without thinking and hope that you come to the right place, no you gotta stop and think, and then after a lot of thinking choose the right way, the way with the most positive result. So that’s what I’m gonna do when I come to a crossroad.

This day has been one of the suckiest in a long time. My mood hasn’t been that good and I’ve not had the will to do anything, so all I’ve done today is listening to music and watched some tv. So much for the ‘I’m gonna try and occupy myself with lots of different things to keep my head straight’. But I really feel like it’s getting better, not a lot but, slow and steady wins the race right? Tomorrow or the day after that my brother from Helsinki is coming and I haven’t seen him in a while so it’s great that he is coming. The therapy sessions I’ve been going to are also going pretty good, or how ever you should define it. But now I better get some sleep and hope for a better tomorrow.

This place has begun to cover me
I recall the light, but the dark smothers me
I prefer the feelings I know right now
I don’t worry about feeling very proud

You don’t know how it feels
To be misunderstood
To reach for the sky
I thought you never would
You don’t know how it feels
To be misunderstood
To reach for the sky
I thought you never would

But I’m bleeding, and my hands are bruised
From the grip that I once had on you
And I’m open for a new way
Because there’s not much more that I can fake

It’s almost seeing your soul for the first time
And watching the mirror show you life in rewind
Capture the ridicule of everyone
I’m tired of trying, and they wonder why I’m gone

You don’t know how it feels
To be misunderstood
To reach for the sky
I thought you never would
You don’t know how it feels
To be misunderstood
To reach for the sky
I thought you never would

But I’m bleeding, and my hands are bruised
From the grip that I once had on you
And I’m open for a new way
Because there’s not much more that I can fake

I can’t fake it

You don’t know how it feels
To be misunderstood
To reach for the sky
I thought you never would
You don’t know how it feels
To be misunderstood
To reach for the sky
I thought you never would

But I’m bleeding, and my hands are bruised
From the grip that I once had on you
And I’m open for a new way
Because there’s not much more that I can fake
But I’m bleeding, and my hands are bruised
From the grip that I once had on you
And I’m open for a new way
Because there’s not much more that I can fake

So now I’ve been at home for a whole week, and I’m happy to say that it has been pretty okay. I haven’t done anything bad and my mood has been pretty good as well. I’ve been trying to do something all the time, because I know that if I just sit still and start thinking that it will be bad. I’ve been to this girl who I met at the hospital quite many times. Soon I’m gonna go on a journey by myself, just me and the canoe. I did a similar journey last summer, I was gone for about 72 hours (three days). But this time I think I’m gonna be a bit longer, my goal is to be gone a week, but I don’t know we’ll see. Some of you know this but some of don’t so I’m gonna tell this now. On the 15th of July, me, my brother from Helsinki and my dad are gonna go to Indonesia for 38 days. And all I can say is that, ‘oh my God how I need this’. A chance to just get away for a while to some place completely different and just be there. So now I’m just waiting for that. But all in all my life is starting to get back on the right tracks, slow but steady.

I’m sitting by my window
The rain is pouring down
I’m thinking ’bout you
And what you’re doing now

This place is so strange
I just wanna be free
Free from all this darkness
That has its hold on me

I need something
Give me something to hold on to
So that I can find the strength to carry on
Help me someone
I need someone that I can lose
So that I know what I’m fighting for

I’m walking in the night
The stars will show me the way
‘Cause I don’t fight
I just want you to feel the same

Then I see you here
Like an angel fallen from the sky
And it all becomes clear
But I don’t even try

I need something
Give me something to hold on to
So that I can find the strength to carry on
Help me someone
I need someone that I can lose
So that I know what I’m fighting for

So that I can find the strength
to carry on

So that I know what I’m
fighting for

How do you forget someone you don’t ever want to forget?

H guys! I’ve now been four weeks at the hospital and I’m feeling so much better now than the day I got there. So now I’m back home, full time. But there is still such a long road to go, and it might be long before I’m “myself”, but it’s going in the right direction at least so that’s good. So now my summer is starting and it’s gonna go on for a while. I’m gonna start some therapy sessions on Monday, and they will continue for a long time. But now I just gotta take one day at the time and try to focus on to make it a good day. So now starts the real road to recovery. Wish me luck!!

Hi guys! It’s been awhile since my last update and much has happened. Right now I’m at home for the weekend but I’m going back tomorrow. Almost all of the people I knew at the hospital have all gotten out of there. The girl of whom I spoke has also left, but she isn’t doing so good; she doesn’t really got anywhere to stay, so she lives at some drug  addicted friend. So that’s no good, I’ve been visiting her a lot because I’m so worried. She told me that she has started using again, and one day a guy had hit her. She has been hit in the past by her former boyfriend a lo, so she’s not doing good at all. And I the fact that there’s not really a lot I can do for her to help her. But I guess you guys want to know about me and how I’m doing? So I can tell you that I feel like it’s getting a little tiny bit better each day, at least when I think about how it was just before when I got there, ’cause that was like hell. But I wouldn’t say it’s great nor good, I’d say it’s on the way there. I’ll probably get out from the hospital next week as well, now you guys are thinking ‘so soon?!’ Well I guess it is quite soon, but I really am feeling better. But it feels so weird to be at home ’cause everything is so different than at the hospital, the hospital is more safe because there aren’t any sharp objects anywhere. But I made a small test when I got there last time, this may sound very wrong, but I took a knife with me to the hospital. Just to see if I can be there knowing that I got a knife which I can use whenever I feel like it. But here’s the thing: I didn’t use it. But now when I’m at home it’s all so different. Right now I wouldn’t mind doing something to myself I think I can manage if I get my mind occupied all the time, thinking about other stuff than the fact that I could cut myself. So therefore I bought a puzzle yesterday and I have my drums and my hobby project. But I just hope I don’t get some kind of ‘attack’, ’cause it’s been a while since I’ve had one and I’m really scared that the might start again. But all in all I’m feeling a bit better, but there’s a long long road to walk yet and I know that I will get lost on the way now and then but I hope I can find my way back again. But I don’t think I’ll be my real self again, but I’m sure I’ll be damn close someday. And to all you people I must say I’ve really missed each and everyone of you and I hope you all are doing good. I don’t know when I’ll write the next time, so it might be like a week until you hear from me again. But I hope you all have the best time and don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine

“I wanted to find somewhere to hide
And I opened up and left those fears inside
And I wanted to be anyone else
Only to find that there was no one there but me”

FUCK!!!! WHY?! It was a bad idea to go home and think that everything will go fine! I can’t be alone for one second anymore! I can’t even be at home! Why can’t I trust myself?! Why can’t I stop hurting myself?! WHY?!?! I don’t wanna be here anymore, I’m going back!

I’ve made some friends at the hospital too, I’ve been speaking with a girl and we’ve gotten along very good. We have talked about why we are at the hospital, and if I say my life is fucked… oh boy.. Listening to her story really makes my insides twist. But it’s really nice to have some to talk to who is going through the same kinds of things that oneself. And while we were talking I realized that I’ve told her stuff which I haven’t told anyone else, but now that I think about it, it just felt right to talk to her about all kinds of stuff. But she’ll get out of there next week if everything goes well. But I don’t know, I really trust her.

Saturday 12.5 16:46

So this is my first whole day at the mental hospital at Roparnäs. I got here yesterday and it turned out I’m not allowed to have a computer after all, so much for my ‘I’m gonna keep posting’. So I’ve decided to write by hand and then rewrite it on my blog when I get the chance.

So here I am. locked in an apartment with a bunch of other depressed people, most of them has that ‘kill me please!’ face expression. And they are all like over 40, or at least the ones I’ve seen. There are a few nurses as well, of course, but they go home and others come etc. There’s really not much to do here, so I watch television, read and thank God for my guitar!!

I have my own claustrofobic room. Windows locked in case I’d wanna jump. I’m not allowed to have my phone charger in my room in case I’d wanna hang myself, I have to ask for it. My mother came by today and brought me my mp3 and headphones, which I’m allowed to have. She also brought me lots of music papers that I can play guitar, and also a drawing that You once did for me.

These two days I’ve been reading a lot, playing guitar (blisters? Check!) and watching television. Hospitalfood sucks!!

Saturday 12.5 22:35

Today I’ve been lost all day, my mind has been full of all kinds of shit. And now I just wanna sleep, I’ll write more tomorrow.

Sunday 13.5 08:13

A new morning. I slept quite okay, I woke up and went and had breakfast. Afterwards this one patient, a woman in her forties, said good morning to me. I was so stunned that I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded my head. It just feels like I kinda don’t belong here; everyone here could be my mother or father, some could even be one of my grandparents.

Sunday 13.5 21:15

Boredom, just boredom, foods tastes like garbage, my mood is at the bottom, I just feel like killing myself or at least hurting myself, lucky me there isn’t anything I could use. Today I’ve surprisingly been playing guitar, reading and watching television. New nurses have been here and today some new people came, or not new but new to me. Tomorrow, first thing, I’m gonna go and take a blood test, needles, great.

Sunday 13.5 22:13

Feels weird having to borrow your own phone charger and then saying ‘thank you’ for using it, before it goes behind locks again.

Monday 14.5 09:45

Today I get my own nurse, who I will get to know and who will get to know me.

Tuesday 14.5 11:13

My God these days are long!! After the blood test thing I went and talked with a doctor and I met my nurse. The doctor asked all kinds of stuff, and he said he will increase my medication. He also said that I’m gonna be here at least this month. Yesterday I watched this program about whales for an hour ’cause I couldn’t focus on anything else. Yesterday I also had some one on one time with my nurse, and she asked me questions about me and about my family and stuff like that. Today she asked me if I’d like to go home on Thursday and come back on Sunday, I said I’ll think about it.

Wednesday 15.5 21:36

Not really in the mood for writing . I’m gonna go home tomorrow for a while, don’t know for how long, but this place makes me kinda weird so I think it’ll be good to go home for a while. But I’m not really sure if I can trust myself when I’m at home. So we’ll see how long I can be at home before I’m scared of being there.

So this is it, the road to sanity starts tomorrow. Tomorrow I’m going to the mental hospital in Roparnäs and stay there for a few weeks. There they’ll keep an eye on me that I don’t do anything bad, so that’s good, ’cause I’m really scared sometimes. But I got a lot of mixed feelings going there. Today I actually started to regret it for a while about going there, but I said to myself, ‘Dammit, get a grip of yourself man!! So I think that this is for the best. I’ll have a computer there so I’m gonna keep posting whenever I feel like it and have the time. But these next few weeks are gonna be tough, and it’s gonna be even tougher when I really don’t think that I’ll get better. So I need to change my attitude, but that’s easier said than done. I really hope that they’ll be able to help me. I’ll write more tomorrow once I have settled myself (like that’s gonna happen in a day, but anyway).

“Bring what’s yours, I’ll take what’s mine
And meet you on the other side
We’ll leave a sign so anyone can find us
A better place, a sweeter time
We won’t need any wings to fly
A place beyond the sun“

While looking for the answers, only questions come to mind
‘Cause I’ve been lost in circles, which seems now for quite some time
And I don’t know how I came here, even how I got this far
All I can tell you is my fate is written in the black stars
Well, what am I supposed to do?

Bless myself, this perfect hell of my own
Is the best I’ve ever known
Tell me something I don’t want to know
‘Cause I can’t believe it’s so
What am I supposed to do?

I’ve become I’m sick of everyone now
And I don’t feel remorse for the forgotten
And I don’t care at all!
I’ve become I’m sick of everyone now
And I’m the patron voice of all the problems
And I don’t care at all!

Take me away
I’m sick of everyone
Today I’m not ok
But I’m fine this way
I need no change
Don’t take me away

I’m coming down, I fell apart
It’s hard to keep together when you don’t know where to start

I’ve become I’m sick of everyone now
And I don’t feel remorse for the forgotten
And I don’t care at all!
I’ve become I’m sick of everyone now
And I’m the patron voice of all the problems
And I don’t care at all!

‘Just let me go’… It’s so easy to say. But how hard is it to let go of someone? Well that depends, and in my case, letting go of You would be like walking on water for me, and who is the only person that is said have walked on water… JESUS!!! And I’m not Jesus, so how the fuck am I supposed to let you go? I’ve tried nearly everything, but nothing seems to be working, and I honestly don’t know what to do, ’cause trying to let go of You, along with everything else, is bringing me down to a level where I don’t wanna live, and right now I honestly wouldn’t care if I died. ‘Cause it would be just so easy, to just let go of everything and to have no troubles what so ever, I sometimes wish I were dead, to not have these feelings or these thoughts, just to let everything go, my god that sounds great!!! No worries, no thoughts, no depression, no one to love, no one to forget, nothing! Just darkness, wonderful! I really wanna just jnvidfnb uinagonsä dfjvm eifj eifiesai ovsifjeghu eaju aesvivaefj esvj fif ioFOE AUGR OAIJFi fiorjgisgi a fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!! I DON’T WANNA!!! FUCK!!!!!!

I didn’t write anything yesterday because I didn’t have the will to write anything. Yesterday I went to my apartment around 3 o’clock with my mother to pick up the most of my stuff, feels kinda weird to move out so suddenly and being at home when everyone else is in school. I wrote a message to everyone in my class and told them that I won’t be coming to school anymore because I’m totally fucked (but not with those words) and that I hope we’ll see each other soon, and they all send me nice things like, “miss you” and “hugs for you”. I really appreciate it. Today I went to the city again to see a friend, and to pick up some more of my stuff, we had a very nice walk and we went to the train station and sat there for a while. After that I went for a surprise visit to another friend. I really don’t know what will happen in the coming week, and I might not see anyone from school in a while. On Thursday I’m gonna go see a psychiatrist, and tell her that I would like to go to Roparnäs and stay there for a while, ’cause I really think I need to be someplace else ’cause I’m really scared sometimes that I might do something to myself, and I don’t think the medication is working ’cause it feels just like it’s getting worse each day. And I just need to… Arghhh!!!!! Fuck this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m on my way home from Helsinki right now. I had a really great weekend, even when I think in what situation I am right now, so it was great to just get away from everything. And my mind didn’t wander that much either. But I’ve been thinking about what I should do now ’cause something needs to be done and I don’t be in school at all right now. So here’s what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna quit school, take an early summer holiday, and go to a place where people keep an eye on me, and where I get the right medication, and where I can hopefully start getting better. So that’s what I’m gonna do. So in the coming week I need to move out of my apartment and go to the mental hospital in Roparnäs, and stay there for a couple of weeks, and see if it gets any better. But it’s the part after that that gets tricky, ’cause then I’ve fallen behind in pretty much everything. So then I can either continue the second year at my school and work like hell to keep up with everyone and then I’ll probably graduate half a year later than everyone else. Or then I could go this year, the second year, again with no stress and graduate a year later than I’m supposed to. But then I don’t need work everything out the complex way, but then again it might be annoying to go the same classes again. And then if I continue to the third grade I might not be mentally well so that I’ll fall behind even more. So I really don’t know what will happen, but we’ll find it out in near future

Today I’ve spent about five hours on a train to Helsinki. It has been so great to just get away from everything and everyone and go to a place where you don’t see that much new. So when I got to Helsinki my brother was at the station to meet me, from there we went and had coffee, and I shared my thoughts about the near future and I think that I’ve made up my mind with one thing and I’ll write a post about it sometime in the coming days, but right now I just wanna do all kinds of stuff that will help me keep my mind occupied with other thoughts than that. And today me, my brother and his girlfriend went to eat at a local pizzeria and then we went to some stand up comedians and I have really laughed, I don’t remember the last time I laughed that much. But then next few weeks are gonna be tough, unpleasant, weird and fucked, but hopefully they’ll help me get back on my feet.

Sitting on a train trying to figure out what the hell I should do. But every choice seems so bad, but I guess I just gotta do what feels right. But it feels so good to just get away for a while, see something new. And I think that I need a little longer holiday to get my life on the right tracks, but then what do I do afterwards? That’s what I gotta figure out, that’s why I gotta take a break, from everything and everyone, so that I can figure out what to do. But I don’t know what to do, and I need help, that’s for sure. I’m so messed in my head right now that I don’t really know what to write so I’m gonna leave it like this.

Right now my head is so messed up that I can’t really even think clearly. I know that I don’t wanna be in school and that I have absolutely no strength for it, I need a time out. So I went to talk with one of my teachers and we came up with a few options that I need to choose from and I need to choose pretty soon too. But I’m not gonna share them with you right now ’cause I’m so messed up right now. I’ve decided to skip school tomorrow and take a train to Helsinki to visit my brother and talk with him about all of this. And I really hope that we can come up with a solution.

Today, from the moment I woke up to about 12 o’clock I’ve felt this really strange feeling. When I came to school and saw all the people there, I felt like I recognized them but I had no idea why they were there or why I was there. I waited all morning for that I would wake up and the day would start. Everything felt so unreal, it was like I was in this dream but the dream was so real that I didn’t know if I was dreaming or not. I was hoping that I would’ve been dreaming ’cause I really “spaced out” today in school. I don’t know what to do when I get this feeling of dreaming but then I’m not. It’s kinda scary, almost as if I would be in the place or in the time that I am. I sometimes wish that I would one day just wake and none of the past 4 or 5 years never had happened. But now I’m gonna get some sleep and hope that tomorrow won’t be the same as today.

So now I’m back in the city and I have three schooldays to the next weekend. This small holiday I’ve been at home the whole time. My brother from Helsinki has been home too so I’ve been building a house with him and my oldest brother, and that has been really great ’cause I haven’t had that much time to let the bad thoughts get in my head. Then one night me and my brother from Helsinki went to a bar in the city, my third brother came there as well. On the way there I had a really good talk with my brother and we continued the talk later. At least I feel that we came a lot closer on that night, and I’m so glad for that. He said that I could call him whenever I feel like it and that I can come and visit him to Helsinki whenever I want. All in all this holiday has been pretty okay, but now I gotta do all kinds of school shit and visit psychologists and other types of persons and try to get my life on the right tracks and don’t do anything stupid.

Today, I’ve been doing stuff all the time so I haven’t had that much time to think about bad stuff. And I took my pill a bit later so it’s starting to wear off just now, and I’m soon gonna take my other pill so I’ll probably be ok this night. But I really gotta find a way to fight against my thoughts, ’cause I can’t keep hurting myself everytime I feel like it! So I need to figure something out, and fast!

Last evening/night I flipped and I flipped bad, I did some bad things again, some really bad things. I’m not really sure what happened but then suddenly I sat on the floor with some bloody cuts on my arm and a knife in my hand. Then I got a text from a friend who asked me what I was doing. I replied and said I needed help, so she came instantly, and took the knife out of my hand, but the damage was already done. We sat there on the floor and she held me and told me that I can’t do stuff like that, never. I had absolutely no will to live last night, and if she wouldn’t have texted me I might not be here now writing this. But then while we were talking, I was pissed as hell and she was just crying, she said stuff that made me realize how much I hurt people when I hurt myself. So I promised her, that I wouldn’t do those kind of things anymore. We sat for a long time, then we wrote all the bad things which are tearing me apart on a piece of paper and went on the balcony and burned the paper up. I felt kinda relieved afterwards. She made me realize that I can’t go on like this, I can’t keep letting these thoughts and feelings bring me down to a level where I want to kill myself, I can’t go on hurting myself when it gets tough. I just gotta keep on going, no matter how hard it gets, I’m not gonna give up now, I’m not gonna let myself and everyone else down, and guess what? I’M NOT GONNA EITHER!!!! I’m gonna keep on going, not matter how much life sucks! I’m not gonna give up!!

You know, I hate this! I hate these thoughts! I hate these feelings! I hate trying to do stuff when I know I can’t make it whatsoever! I hate feeling like this! I hate trying to be happy when I don’t want to be! I hate taking these pills! I hate “flipping out” in the evening! I hate looking in the mirror! I hate these scars! I hate the things I do to myself! I hate wanting to do them! I hate being afraid of myself! I just hate!

I’ve now for two days been trying to call places and people and try to figure out where I could get the help I need. I’ve been seeing this psychotherapist and that’s the kind of help I need, but I’ve been paying for it, and since I got the diagnosis of depression and started taking pills I should get the psychotherapy for free, but I can’t get it for free from the one I’ve been visiting. So I’ve been calling around to see if anyone would know where I can get it for free, and it turns out I’m gonna have to visit a psychologist/psychiatrist for THREE MONTHS, minimum, before they can write a referral to someplace and then the people there pick a psychotherapist for me and then I can start to talk for free and get the help I need. And when I asked why I need to “wait” three months before I can get psychotherapy they said, ‘Those are the rules’… You gotta be fucking joking with me?! Fuck this! Fuck you! Fuck off! FUCK THE SYSTEM!!!

Today, I’ve had that feeling, these thoughts, almost the whole day so far. And in school I just couldn’t take it, so I did something not so good. And I know it’s not good for me, but I just can’t stand that feeling, that inner pain which I can’t seem to get rid off, otherwise than focusing the pain on something else, something that I can see with my own eyes. But I know you can’t do that forever, choose physical pain over psychological pain, but it helps at the moment at least. But I’m really scared when get that feeling, that I want to hurt myself, that I want to feel pain, ’cause I don’t know what else to do, and I really feel like I’m breaking apart inside.

I don’t believe, I think I’m falling asleep
Is this beginning or ending? Am I stuck in a dream?
I don’t wanna know what I think, I suppose
Out of the light into this timely demise
And there’s a cross on the hill, the holy image of lies
I’ve opened my mind, but this dream is still real

You don’t need to worry, I’m just fine
I’ve just lost my mind

Tell me it’s over ’cause I don’t feel a thing at all
No conscience, not no more, senses all have disappeared
Am I at all alive tonight? Paranoid, am I to run?
Am I at all alive tonight? Crash and fall suicide with me

Look in my eyes, tell me I’m alright
I don’t know if I’m still alive
If this is goodbye, forever’s just a lie,
But big enough to make you wanna try

In just one life how can we
Live enough to rest in peace
In just one life
How can we live enough to rest in peace now

Here as I stand, hand in hand, and one hand on my heart
As I depart, it’s not so hard, what a day to become a man
You have your scars but I never thought that you would give me none

Today after school I went and had coffee with a close friend of mine and it was really great ’cause we haven’t talked in a while, or we had talked but not like talkedtalked. And it was very interesting to hear what she had to say, and a lot that she said helped me realize a few things. It’s great to have friends to whom you can tell anything and whom you trust. Then after we’d talked I was on my way home this dude starts talking to me, he was from UNICEF and he asked me if I’d like to become a monthly donor for UNICEF, I told him that I don’t have so much money, but the he said that I can choose the amount of money that suits me, we were talking about 5€/month, but then I suddenly got this feeling and I’m not sure how to explain it, it was like someone put words in my mouth and I just opened my mouth and said:’ You know… I’m gonna go with 20€/month’. And the dude looked at me like, ‘What, you sure?!’ And then I started thinking about it, ‘Am I sure?’ And I said, ‘Yep, I’m sure!’ So I signed some papers and started walking home. I felt really happy and I was smiling, ’cause I knew that I had done something that makes a difference, I had helped, I am helping people I don’t even know, people that are worse off than me, and it feels good. Surely, I have less money to live on, but at least I might be saving someones life. But the feeling, of just opening my mouth and the words spilling out of me, was really extraordinary. So today I’ve done something that I’m proud of, and it actually made me a bit happier as well.

I just realized I have absolutely no motivation at all, I couldn’t care less about school right now. I can’t really focus on anything else than holding back my thoughts, ’cause if I let them forth it’ll be bad. So I can’t really care about anything else. I’m starting to feel my mood changing right now a bit, for the pill is wearing off, and the bad thoughts are coming back, good thing I don’t have anything sharp at hand if I get that feeling again…

So now all of my scissors are gone, among other things, and that’s good, but it doesn’t stop me from hitting a wall or something like that. I’m really thankful that there are people who care for me. But I don’t know what to do anymore, so I guess I’ll just have to keep taking these pills and hope for the best, that they’ll work. A new week is starting, so we’ll see what happens, I got a test tomorrow as well, which I should at least try and to read on but I’ll just get irritated and depressed when I can’t focus on it… Sometimes I hope that there would be wishing well that actually worked, but I’m gonna keep on looking for it and maybe I find something else that will work on the road..

I kinda “flipped out” the night to Friday and did something bad, but the most fucked up thing about ti all is that I was laughing while I was doing it, and now that I think about it I don’t really know what to say. But then the next day, I was actually kinda happy and I was happy until later that night, then all these thoughts came back, but maybe they’re not thoughts, maybe they’re more like feelings that I want to “flip out” and do those kind of things and when I get this feeling it’s hard to control it and I’m very scared that I’m gonna do something… And I know that I have people around me who care for me and wants the best for me, but when I get that feeling I forget that. And people say that I need to call them whenever I go that way, but the thing is, that when I go that way I don’t want to call anyone, ’cause then I just want one thing… And this feeling is so strong, and I don’t really know how to fight it. And I wonder every now and then, if I should go someplace where they constantly keep an eye on me, that I can’t do anything, where there are no objects that I can misuse, ’cause I think I’d need that. But the thought of going to a place like that scares me, ’cause I don’t know what people would think…

“A bit of pain will help you suffer when you’re hurt, for real”

1. Because I don’t deserve it
2. Because I can’t fight this
3. Because I want it to much
4. Because I don’t wanna let go
5. Because I need it
6. Because I feel that way
7. Because I can’t help it
8. Because it hurts
9. Because maybe I want it to

I was earlier today and talked with my therapist and we talked about why I am like this, why I get these feeling and these destructive thoughts, and we talked a lot about my past, my childhood and stuff. And it was very interesting but scary to talk about it. Today I’ve been so tired that I saw in double, I’ve also experienced some bad thoughts and I’m kind scared right now, but I think I’ll manage. But I sometimes get this feeling that I would want to hurt myself, and that scares me like hell, ’cause I don’t really know how to maintain that kind of thoughts…

Thursday morning, I didn’t write anything yesterday ’cause I didn’t really know what to write. Yesterday was totally fucked, and I don’t like taking these pills. The sleeping pills are very scary, ’cause I just suddenly become very tired and fall asleep. But yesterday, I met my mother and we talked a bit about stuff, she said that one of my brothers and my father had suffered from depression in their youth, so that was interesting. Then after my mother left, when I got home, I began feeling very weird, and then I saw these scissors on my desk, so I took them and almost did something bad, or I started doing it, but then I stopped. I just had to get out of there, so I went to a friend. I was so scared of myself and of being alone yesterday. And I keep having these destructive thoughts and images and sometimes I can’t make them stop. And I was scared of going home later ’cause I knew that the scissors were on my desk, but I pulled myself together and put the scissors in the drawer. But I’m really scared it’s gonna happen today as well. Today I’m also gonna go talking with the person, and I’m gonna say what has been happening lately.

So last night when I got home around half past 10 I started to hit a wall with my fist then I fell to the floor and laid there for some time. Then later when I got home again from a small walk I tried to sleep. But I don’t like to take the sleeping pills, it’s so scary when you suddenly become extremely tired and then you fall asleep. But I guess it’s a good thing that I do sleep, but still I don’t sleep very well, but I do sleep, and I fall asleep pretty early also. And I don’t like the other pill either, the antidepressant pill, ’cause it makes me so tired and I sometimes get these “space outs” when I forget who I am, where I am, what I’m, why etc. And it’s really scary. Also my head feels a lot heavier than normally. But I guess I just have to get used to these pills.

So last night, I took my first sleeping pill an hour before I wanted to start sleeping like you’re supposed to. Then I stayed up about half an hour, and went to bed afterwards. I immediately started crying, and I don’t remember stopping. But I guess I fell asleep ’cause I felt reallyreally tired suddenly and then I guess I just fell asleep. But I woke up something like 5 or 6 times during the night, but I actually slept. I was still tired in school and I think it’s because of the other pill I took in the morning, but I don’t know, it’s my first day with the pills and it might be that I’m just scared.

Okay, so I’m gonna start my “pilldiet” soon, and I’m really scared. I read on the box that there can some side effects, and some of them are pretty fucked, so if I start acting weird, you know what it is. But fuck me these next few weeks are gonna be tough, so I’m asking you, all of you who read this and know me, I could really use your help and support, ’cause I can’t do this on my own, so I need you to be there for me, please, I don’t know what I would without all of you, and I feel so lost, and I’m afraid I might do something bad, so I need you to pick me up when I fall, kick me further when I’m walking backwards, and to just be there, please. That’s all I got say for now. All of you mean so much to me, and I don’t know what I’d do without all of you, so please, help me.

I just got home from school and all I can say is that today has been a very eventful day. Last night was really rough, in fact I had to call a person to help me, I had so many destructive thoughts that they were pouring out of my brain, and I was so scared. So then today in school this person comes to me and she asks if she could call somewhere and see if she could get a doctors appointment to me. So she did, and before I could comprehend what was actually going on, one of my teachers was driving me to a health center. There I talked with a doctor and we came to a conclusion that I need help, so he wrote me a prescription to some pills. The first ones are supposed to help me sleep and reduce my anxiety, the other ones are for my depression. So things aren’t so great right now, let’s just hope the pills work…

Yesterday I was mental at my worst, I had some very fucked up thoughts. But it helped a lot to talk about them, it’s like you’re processing them when you talk to someone about them, and then you really see exactly how fucked up you really are. And last night… Oh fuck me backwards.. I don’t remember the last time when I had a rough night like that; I was crying and shaking, and almost all day, before I went to bed, I had these very destructive thoughts, and then when I came home around 1 am, I see these scissors, on the table, and I immediately start to cry and clench my fists. But I managed to get some sleep later on, around 3 or 4, but I really didn’t sleep well anyway so. I really don’t know how long I can go on like this.. So that I would say, is a great way to start a new week…

Okay, 01:30 am and right now I’m so fucking scared of myself, I can’t explain it but I’ve a lot of “bad thoughts” lately and I’m so cared that I’m gonna start hurting myself again or take it to the next level and actually try something worse. I’m so scared, I’m so fucking scared right now, sitting here in the dark with a pair of scissors on the table. But honestly, I don’t how much of this I can take, I mean I feel so fucked and lost and scared and I’m totally not myself anymore. But the thing I fear the most is that I might hurt someone else, a close friend, or just someone. And I don’t know how to make this all stop. And I’m so so scared…

Okay, now I’m gonna share a thought of mine which I think about every single day. So, I like to think of myself as a somewhat religious guy, but lately I’ve become a bit doubtful if there really is a God there somewhere. And people keep saying to me stuff like ‘God has a great plan for you’ and ‘You know that He loves you’ and ‘He’ll make things right, you’ll see’. But I don’t really know what to believe anymore; I mean if He loves me, then why am I struggling this much? If He can make things right just like that, then why doesn’t He? So then I’ve come to thinking; if He loves, and if He wants to make things right, and if He has a great plan for me and my life, then that means that He wouldn’t just let me die, right? So here’s my thought. First of all I need to say to everybody, that I strongly don’t think about doing this, but I’d be lying if I’d say that this thought hasn’t crossed my mind lately. Okay here it comes, IF I’d try to hang myself, or in any way try to kill myself, so wouldn’t the things I’ve said here above, somehow prevent me from doing it. I mean if God has a great plan for me, He wouldn’t let me just die now would he? So if I was to try kill myself something should happen and like “break the rope” or something, for it to be true, that ‘everything will be fine’, and ‘there’s something bigger for me in this life’. So that’s quite interesting thought, wouldn’t you say? And how do I really know I can trust in God, ’cause I tell you, it’s really hard nowdays to believe that somehow God will make all of this good again. But I mean if He has that kind of power, then why doesn’t He. Why does He let me suffer and struggle like this? I just don’t understand…

I don’t wanna wake up today
Cuz every day’s the same
And I’ve been waiting so long
For things to change

I’m sick of this town
Sick of my job
Sick of my friends cuz everyone’s jaded
Sick of this place
I wanna break free
I’m so frustrated

I just wanna jump
Don’t wanna think about tomorrow
I just don’t care tonight
I just wanna jump
Don’t wanna think about my sorrow
Let’s go whoa
Forget your problems
I just wanna jump

I don’t wanna wake up one day
And find out it’s too late
To do all the things I wanna do
So I’m gonna pack up my bags
I’m never comin back
Cuz the years are passin by
And I’m wasting all my t-t-time

I’m sick of this house
Sick of bein broke
Sick of this town that’s bringin me down
I’m Sick of this place
I wanna break free
I’m so frustrated

I just wanna jump
Don’t wanna think about tomorrow
I just don’t care tonight
I just wanna jump
Don’t wanna think about my sorrow
Let’s go woah
Forget your problems
I just wanna jump

I just wanna jump

I can’t take it anymore
I can’t take it anymore
I can’t take it anymore
Can’t take it any
Can’t take it any
Can’t take it any
Forget tomorrow

I just wanna jump
Don’t wanna think about tomorrow
I just don’t care tonight
I just wanna jump
Don’t wanna think about my sorrow
Let’s go whoa
Forget your problems
I just let them go whoa
Forget tomorrow
I just wanna jump
I just wanna jump
Yeah
I just wanna jump
I just wanna jump

Today has so far been a good day, but I feel that it’s about to around and go bad, but let’s not hope that it happens. Anyway, there’s a lot of things that needs to be done before school ends and it ends pretty soon too, and I’m not sure if the energy to do all the things, ’cause I’m really not, fit for fight, so to speak. And I’m getting these fucked up thoughts every now and then and I can’t find the answers to make them go away. And I don’t really know what to do, and people ask me if they could help in any way, but I don’t know what they could do.. But I’ll manage.. I hope

Today has been one of the best days in a while and for that I’m glad. I had forgotten my keys at work and it took a while until I got them. But as soon as I got them I drove to town. And then I’ve spent almost the whole day with You, and it has been a lot of fun. And my moods have changed a lot today as well, but I managed to hide them pretty good. But we had really fun, and I’m so indescribably happy that we can actually sit and talk and laugh nowdays, it feels so good that You and I are friends, sure there might be a bit weirdness now and then, but we can actually talk about all that has happened between us and laugh about it. And I’m just so happy things are good between us. I just got home from a drive with You, and now I should try get some sleep, ’cause it’s almost 1 o’clock. But all in all, today has been a good day! And those are kinda rare for me nowdays..

I’m having trouble trying to sleep
I’m counting sheep but running out
As time ticks by
still I try
No rest for crosstops in my mind
On my own… here we go

My eyes feel like they’re gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
Fucked up and spun out in my room
On my own… here we go

My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine
My senses dulled
Passed the point of delirium
On my own… here we go

My eyes feel like they’re gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
Fucked up and spun out in my room
On my own… here we go

Half past one and I just got homehome. I was so tired in school today, and not in a happy mood. I had a talk with a person in school today, and she was really worried about me. She said that I really look like a disaster and that it looks like I don’t have the strength to go on much longer, and she asked if she could help me in any way. She asked if she should call somewhere and try to get me some medicine but I said that it’s in progress. But she was reallyreally worried. Today I’m gonna do some school stuff that needs to be done, change tires on my car, go to work and hopefully sleep. Tomorrow I’ll go back to the city.

Friday today, that means a very short day in school, then home. But I don’t think I’m gonna stay there for the whole weekend. I didn’t sleep good at all last night, but then again I never do. There’s a lot going on int my head these days, more than usually, and I can’t seem to clear them out. And it’s really hard to be around people and to be in class, but I’ve survived this long, so I might as well go on a bit longer…

Around 6 o’clock and this day has so far been more of a bad day. When I got to school I started to write a song, and in like 10 minutes I had it done. But the song was another one of those sad, depressing, dark songs, but I can’t seem to write anything else than those kinds. Also in school I had now and then these minor outbreaks, but I don’t think people noticed them, so that’s good. Now I think I’m just gonna sit in my room and listen to music and do some school stuff for the rest of the day.

It’s almost 12 o’clock, and I gotta say that this day has been one of the best ones in a while. Still tired and haunted by my head and thoughts, but somehow toady, I’ve been focusing on other things, and it has been nice. But I’ve also been thinking a lot of serious heavy deep stuff, but I’ve done it secretly, so that nobody has noticed. And I’ve come to an very interesting thing which I’m gonna start thinking about more and see if I’d come to an answer, a good answer, one that doesn’t bring so many new questions, ’cause honestly, I’m about to lose my mind soon with all the shit that is there, all pressed up together. It’s like when you’re trying to stick a camel up in your nose… And I really hope that things could start clearing up. But I think that’s just wishful thinking, but wishful thinking isn’t illegal, at least last time I checked…

I don’t believe in the secrets you keep
But I do wanna know,how do you sleep at night?
And I’m over you, congratulations,
And thank you for all the pain cause it made it be so much more fun

There’s nothing to say now,
Feelings are already dead,
And I don’t believe there’s a way now,
All that is said has been said,
I’m waiting for another day,
Another way,
I don’t believe that you can make all the pain go away,
So I’ll leave it all behind,
But I’m leaving with blood in my eyes

See through your eyes,
While believing the lies for too long a time
I still don’t know how I did
And I watched the clear, trying to battle lies,
And I can’t see straight anymore with all of this blood in my eyes

There’s nothing to say now,
Feelings are already dead,
And I don’t believe there’s a way now,
All that is said has been said,
I’m waiting for another day,
Another way,
I don’t believe that you can make all the pain go away,
So I’ll leave it all behind,
But I’m leaving with blood in my eyes

There’s nothing to say now,
Feelings are already dead,
And I don’t believe there’s a way now,
All that is said has been said,
I’m waiting for another day,
Another way,
I don’t believe that you can make all the pain go away,
So I’ll leave it all behind,
But I’m leaving with blood in my eyes

So I just got home from one of the weirdest school day in a while. I was in so many different moods that I can’t count them, and my head is all messed up. I have so many questions that I don’t got the answers to, and yeah… I don’t know, but I’m not sure if wanna know the answers to some them, ’cause I’m scared if it is as I’m thinking. But I mean what if I don’t wanna get better? What if I want it to be like this? But I mean who the fuck would want to be like this?! But, there are so many things which I could do to make this a bit better. So why don’t you?! Is what people might be thinking. And I really don’t know why I don’t even try. And that’s kinda sick. I mean if you have like a high fever, then all you want is to get better so that you can do the things you like and not be sick. So why the hell wouldn’t I want to get better?! I mean, I don’t understand myself. People say to me that it’s a sure thing that I want to get better, and they ask me, ‘Do you want to get better?’ and the obvious answer here is: More than anything! But what I say is: I don’t really know… But I mean just WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

School starting in 20 minutes, and I’m not sure what to think about this day. I’m feeling very weird today, I don’t know how to explain it but it’s somehow very weird. I didn’t sleep very well as usually, but it’ll be fine, I’m used to being this tired, I just feel sorry for all the teachers. It’s snowing, can you believe that? My heart rate is a bit high, let’s just hope it doesn’t rise more ’cause then I start to check it all the time and then I go into a minor panic and then everything goes bad, ’cause then I don’t know what to do make myself calm. Let’s just hope that doesn’t happen today

It’s funny, how when you’re helping someone else, forget your own troubles, even for a while. It feels good when you focus your energy on someone else and their well being, and not on the things that troubles oneself. It’s very relieving to forget everything that is on your mind, it makes you calm and you can be the one you want to be. And when you’re helping someone it brings out things which you haven’t thought about in our own life. But you can’t go on helping others all the time ’cause then you really do forget the things that troubles. But it feels really good when you’re helping someone. Now I should be tired and sleep ’cause I gotta be well rested for school which starts in 6 hours, but I’m not tired, so fuck it! I’m just gonna lay here and talk to the ceiling.

So I had a nice day with a friend, and then suddenly my heart rate got all high, I couldn’t be still, and my thoughts were flying all over and everything was like a lot faster than normal. And if she wouldn’t have been here it would’ve been a lot worse I think. Now I’m a bit more relaxed and that’s good. But I’m still going on high speed so..

Monday today, school starts again tomorrow and I’m not sure if I want to go to school, sure there are lots of great people there but I feel like I don’t really care about school right now, I’m not motivated at all, I just want to get out of here. Today, like all other days, I don’t know what I’m thinking, but that’s okay. I fell asleep last night around 2 o’clock then I woke up at 7 and tried to sleep some more but it didn’t go so good. Today I’m gonna try to do some school shit and also I’m gonna try to get sane…

Everyone wants to call it, all around our life with a better name.
Everyone falls and spins and gets up again with a friend who does the same.
Everyone lies and cheats their wants and needs and still believes their heart.
And everyone gets the chills the kind that kills, when the pain begins to start.

Did I get this straight, do you want me here?
As I struggle through each and every year.
And all these demons, they keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night

Everyone’s cross to bears the crown they wear on endless holiday.
Everyone raises kids in a world that changes life to a bitter game.
Everyone works and fights stays up all night to sell the perfect day.
And everyone lives to tell the tale of how we die alone some day.

Did I get this straight, do you want me here?
As I struggle through each and every year.
And all these demons, they keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night
They keep me up all…

This day, this Sunday, has been everything else than good. My head has been so full of all kinds of thoughts and other shit. I’ve been thinking so much that I came to a point at where I didn’t really know what I was thinking about. I fell asleep as well sometime in the evening and I slept for about 2 hours, so good luck sleeping tonight! Then I started drinking as well, only a few but anyway. But then I started thinking, why are you drinking? So I ended up spilling away everything I had. Then I decided to go for a walk to clear my head. And then I suddenly find a full pack of cigarettes, just laying on the ground waiting for someone to pick it up. So I started like crying and laughing at the same time and I was like, what the fuck is this? Why is this here? This some kind of test? Then later on I find a full can of beer. I mean what the fuck man?! This must be some kind of joke! So I took the beer and threw it to ground so that everything spilled out. So now I’m sitting here in the dark and thinking. I don’t know what the fuck is going on, or why the fuck this is happening! But maybe this is my punishment for all the shit I’ve said and done.

My head is so filled with different thoughts that I don’t even know what I’m thinking about. So I’m gonna go for a stroll and try to clear something out

Sunday today and I actually have been sleeping pretty good, better than usually. I got a lot of thoughts on my mind so I’m a bit lost today as well. I told my mother that I would come home today and go to town again tomorrow, but I don’t think I wanna go home so I’ll have to call my mother. let’s see how this day turns out to be

Woke up and took a shower, I don’t know how I did it but I showered for about 40 minutes, usually it takes about 15 minutes. Saturday and the sun is shining, what could be better than that?… I’m not even gonna say anything… I could just go back to bed and end this before it really begins..

Okay now I’m just gonna spill it out, I’ve been seeing this psychotherapist two times now, and she has told me a lot about what she thinks is going on with me. She said that I suffer from a lot of anxiety and that I have a lot of guilt issues. She also said that I might have some kind of panic disorder. And the guilt issues I’m aware of, ’cause I always take all the shit people say to me and keep it inside and that tears me apart. She has also been saying I have a lot aggression inside me mixed with a bunch of others feelings and that sometimes my body just can’t keep it inside, so I get these emotional outbreaks when I can like hit stuff, lay on the ground and kick the ground, moodswings. And I try to hold these fellings back for as long as I can, so “tense up” every part of my body so that Id stop shaking, but that only takes my energy away, and then I can’t sleep at night because I’m either shaking or then I’m tense. My pulse is around 120 bpm when I’m perfectly still and when I haven’t done anything, and that freaks me out, but it’s not that high all of the time. I also sometimes in school get this feeling that I wanna scream and start to throw things around and “go crazy” and I’m really afraid that I’m not gonna be able to hold it all inside when I’m around people. And the most fucked up thing about this all here above is that I don’t know why I’m feeling like this, doing these things, and I don’t really know myself anymore. And I don’t know what to do, and I feel like I’ve totally lost hope in everything, I don’t know what I believe in anymore. And I really need help but I don’t how to ask for it ’cause I don’t know what would help, or to who I could go. My therapist is going to see if she could get some pills for me that could help. But she said that this is not that bad, and she said that it sounds like I’m still in control of what I’m doing, but I really don’t think so! I can maybe hold all of it back, but then it all bursts sometime and then I really don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m really scared I might hurt myself if I like start beating up a tree, it has happened before, or worst of all; if I hurt someone else when I get these outbreaks. I really don’t know what to do anymore, I’m really afraid the dark side of me will come back, the dark side that kills all the happiness and starts putting scars on me again and dragging me even further down this hole that I’m in…

“This is getting old
I can’t break these chains that I hold
My body’s growing cold
There’s nothing left of this mind or my soul”

Friday and I’m still at home, but I’ll be leaving in about five hours. I’m gonna go to my home in the city, but before that I’m gonna go to a place where there are lots of people, some that I know, some that I don’t know. But I’m not sure if I want to be around people, but I told someone already that I would come, and who knows, maybe it’s good for me. Yesterday my mother asked me, while we were watching television, why I ain’t laughing, and I said that maybe I don’t wanna laugh. And so she said that I can’t be that serious all the time. So apparently I should be smiling and laughing when I’m at home. I don’t really know what else I should say, so I’m gonna leave it like this for now.

The Summer sun is shining
And everybody’s smiling
I’m looking down, I’m crying

And my heart is melting
Like the snow in the Summer heat
I don’t care, I’ll survive

I feel so lost and alone
In this darkness I’m dwelling
Trying to find my way out
I see a bright light, but it might be a train
Yes it might be a train

The night moon is glowing
And everything is silent
I just lay awake, I’m struggling

And my feelings are flying
Like the airplanes in the sky
I don’t feel like talking, I’ll be fine

I feel so lost and alone
In this darkness I’m dwelling
Trying to find my way out
I see a bright light, but it might be a train
Yes it might be a train

I feel so lost and alone
In this darkness I’m dwelling
Trying to find my way out

So I just got homehome, and one thing is for sure – do not drive a car when you’ve been talking about some serious heavy shit… The talk was, I’m not sure what to say about it, but again I got a lot to think about. Right now I’m very confused and I don’t really know what’s going on with me and on my inside. Today I at one point started to cry for absolutely no reason and that was a bit scary. I’m so tired in my head and my whole body. And being at home doesn’t make it any better. And I’m scared and I don’t know what I should do.

“Here I am
Will you send me an angel”

Yesterday was the most confusing and fucked up day in a while, but it had some good moments as well and that’s good. Today I woke up around 6, then I tried to sleep some more and I’m not sure if I slept, but I didn’t sleep that well anyway so. Today I’m gonna go talking and I’m not really sure what to say, ’cause there has been so much going on these two weeks, but I’m sure I’ll say something nice. Then I’m going home for a while, yay.. I think that this will be a weird day as well, but we’ll see

“Are you looking for someone to blame?
Did you blame me all along?
You’ll take the heat
But you would never take the fall”

Okay, so check this out; I’m in school, sitting and thinking, and then I see You looking inside the room and then disappearing. At first I thought I was just seeing things, but then someone asked me if he saw correct, and I was like: yeah, I think so.. Then I sit there a moment and decide to go and say hello and see if it really was You, and it was. We just looked fast at each other and said hey. Then we both walked away in different directions. I went and sit somewhere again. But then I decided to go and talk to You, and it was very weird.. We asked bunch of common stuff which you ask when you haven’t seen someone in a while like, How’s it going? and similar. I told her that it’s not good and blahaa blahaa. Then, You said that You never wanted to hurt me in any kind of way, and that I can believe. But then, You said that it was so hard when I did this to You, and that YOU BLAMED IT ALL ON YOURSELF… And I was like no You didn’t!! You spilled it all on me, You let me take blame, You blamed me for everything!! But I didn’t say it out loud. Or so it felt at least. Then You said that I don’t look like I used to, and that I seem different. Well of course I look different, I’m totally fucked now, thank You!! I really don’t know what to think about You anymore, You put me in a different mood, a very strange mood. You said that You’re not angry at me and that You never were, and that You don’t blame me for anything; well that’s what You have been saying every time You have talked to me!! And that hurts so much, when You say something and then say something completely different. Then the last thing You said was something like, I really hope we can talk in the future, and that I, whenever I need someone to talk to, could talk to You. But I don’t think that’s gonna happen. It was just so weird seeing You and talking to You. And like I said, I don’t know what to think about you anymore, ’cause You’re still the same, and You hurt me so much when You say stuff to me about me which You have no clue about. ‘Cause I will never be the same, I really think that I won’t

What if I don’t wanna be fine? What if I don’t want to smile and be happy? What if I am like this because I want to? I mean nobody wants to be sick right? But what if I want to? What if I’m so fucked in the head that I want to be sad and depressed? What if I’m just avoiding everybody just because I want them to see me? But they see me already, so why would I do that then? why? Why do I live my life like this if can choose not to? What if I seriously am that sick? Then I really need some help. But I don’t know where to start, I don’t know how to fight this. But what if I don’t want to fight this? It will come back anyway, so what’s the point in fighting when your opponent isn’t gonna stay down on the ground? What do you do then? You can’t keep on fighting your entire life, can you? So why fight? Why?

School is about to start…What a great way to start this wonderful day, wouldn’t you say!?!?!?!?

Today I’ve been tired as shit in school. And my thoughts and feelings have been completely out of control. I’ve had these very unpleasant feelings, it’s like someone has tried to choke me, it has been like really hard to breathe, it’s kinda hard to explain but it’s very unpleasant. And the people in school have been all happy all the time and trying to cheer me up, you know with smiles and hugs and stuff like that. It’s kinda annoying when you’re not at all in that mood, then people make you smile, even when you don’t want to, and then they smile even more when they see that you’re smiling. And I know that they just want me to be happy and feel fine, but honestly, a few hugs and smiles won’t do the trick. They might help for the moment and I might be smiling on the outside, but on the inside it’s another story. But it’s kinda nice though, I have to admit. A friend of mine told me last week that she thinks I need to take something that kinda eases my problems, so I’m gonna ask now on Thursday, when I go and talk to that one person again, if she thinks I need something. And now the Easter holidays are coming up so we’ll see how that goes. Anyway, I should try and get some sleep now because I haven’t really slept so well/long the last days..

Didn’t sleep that well, slept for some time but not that well. Tuesday today, and I’m still as “fucked” as yesterday and I don’t have the strength to do so much other than lay on the floor and watch the ceiling, but since that’s not an school subject, I’m screwed…

“I feel trapped in myself, don’t wanna go on, I just wanna disappear”

Today, I’m just sick of everything and everyone and I just wanna go and never come back. I’m tired, my head is all messed up and feel like I might explode any second. I just want to be anywhere else but here right now…

 
“‘Cause I’d rather be anywhere else, anywhere else,
anywhere else but here.”

I couldn’t fall asleep so I went for a stroll, it was very peaceful and quiet. I also saw some bunnies hopping around. Bunnies, I don’t think bunnies have so much to worry about, maybe stuff like; don’t get hit by a car and that kinda shit, but I don’t think they have like mental problems, like if a bunny sees another bunny who isn’t hopping as enthusiastic as the others I don’t think they’d ask him if something was wrong, or maybe they do, I don’t know.. But I don’t think bunnies have the kind of problems which need professional help. And now it looks like I’m talking about bunnies… I mean just WHAT THE FUCK MAN?!?!

Anyway my alarm sounds in about 5 hours, and I really hope I get some sleep before that..

The clock is 0:30 am, school starts in a couple of hours, and I just don’t wanna be here. I’d just like to go some place where nobody knows my name or anything about me. I’m so sick of being like this, I simply have no strength to be all happy and funny and in a good mood, but if I’m not then people will start looking and asking and talking and then they become worried and they start looking even more and then suddenly I’m in the center of everyone and I HATE THAT!!! I just don’t want people to worry about me, I’ll be fine! It might take some time, but I’ll survive. Right now, I’m just so lost in myself, I don’t really know who I am anymore and that’s very scary, my mood jumps back and forth and I’m really scared that I get some kind of outbreak in school ’cause then everyone will start worrying about me, and would just be fucking awesome…

Do you ever think about running away
’cause i was thinkin’ about leavin’ today
We’ll follow forever where our hearts wanna go
Maybe we’ll live somewhere where nobody knows our names
Then things might change for the good

I wanna be somewhere so far away
To lie under the night at the end of another good day
I can’t tell you how long we’ll be gone
But as long as we’re together then forever’s never too long
Too long, oh no

Do you ever think about not comin’ back
Hoppin’ on a train and we’ll burn up the tracks
We’ll jump off somewhere that we don’t know how to say
Maybe hitch a ride from someone who can tell us the way
To where these things might change for the good

I wanna be somewhere so far away
To lie under the night at the end of another good day
I can’t tell you how long we’ll be gone
But as long as we’re together then forever’s never too
Where forever is never too long
Not with you right here by me
Maybe, maybe we’ll just see
Where this road will lead for us

I wanna be somewhere so far away
To lie under the night at the end of another good day
I can’t tell you how long we’ll be gone
But as long as we’re together then forever’s never too
I wanna be somewhere so far away
To lie under the night at the end of another good day
I can’t tell you how long we’ll be gone
But as long as we’re together then forever’s never too
Forever is never too long

I wanna be somewhere so far away
To lie under the night at the end of another good day
I can’t tell you how long we’ll be gone
But as long as we’re together then forever’s never too long
Too long, oh no

Friday night, today I’ve been pretty relaxed but I’ve been kind depressed. A good thing is that I finally got the freedom to go anywhere, anytime. Now I can just say; nope, I don’t wanna be here right now, and just go some place where nobody knows me. And that feels really good, ’cause I have many times just wanted to get the fuck out of here, and now I can actually do it! I’m feeling tired as shit, and I really hope I get some sleep this night… I know I shouldn’t be thinking about this right now, but It still feels so weird between us, it’s great and I’m so happy that things are okay even though they’re not way I want them to be, but this is the best I’m gonna get, and I’m just gonna have to bite together and try to forget my feelings for you, even though I’m afraid that they will never leave..

Friday morning. I’ve slept pretty okay actually, or not okay but a long time at least. Today I’m not feeling as fucked as I’ve been the rest of the week. I had a dream, or it was a very short part of one, but I can’t really recall what it was about, but I remember having one. Today I’m feeling kinda lost again, my head is heavy and my whole body is aching, I wouldn’t wanna move at all today, I just wanna sit in a chair. But the weekends coming up and I’m gonna go home, so I’ll see You

The clock is almost 1 am, and I’m gonna try and get some sleep soon. I haven’t been as tense today, not like the last 3 days. And I’ve realized that everything comes and goes but then comes back again after some time, for example, I haven’t been that depressed lately, but then again I’ve been tense and restless, but I’m sure that now it’s time for the depression to kick in again. But I’ve been so lost for like a month now, and it’s kinda scary with the depression, restlessness, anxiety, insomnia, my breakouts, total absence, and my fucked up thoughts, among other things, and it’s really taking all of my energy away…

Today, I’m so not here, here where I’m supposed to be. Or I’m here but I’m not here here, you know? It’s like I’m traveling from this real world to someplace else. It happens all of a sudden, I’m here I’m talking and looking but then I suddenly stop staring at a something, in the worst case someone, and go to this state where I’m not sure who I am, where I am, what I’m doing here and why… Then I all of a sudden come around and see all the people I know, and I’m like; What the fuck just happened?!

Came just home from school and realized that I need to do so much shit today, and feeling so fucked, I’m so tired but my body isn’t and really takes away my strength, so I don’t really wanna do anything else than sleep, but I can’t really sleep when I’m so tense and shaking like a drug addict. and my thoughts are flying all over, so good look trying to concentrate…

Wednesday morning, feeling pretty tired, but my body is not that tense. It’s funny how your muscles can ache when you haven’t even worked out. I’m hoping that I can stay relaxed today, so that I can be normal when I’m with You, and You are my friend, my good friend, nothing else…

So last night… I don’t really know what to write about it. We went out for a walk, first we talked about just some random things, and we had so fun that I almost didn’t talk about the serious stuff. But then I asked; so what’s going on with us now? Then we talked about that for a while (I’m not gonna go in on the details) and we came to a solution that I didn’t like at the moment, but now that I think about it, it’s for the best this way! Now I know where You stand with us, and that I can’t keep on hoping for You to change Your mind. It’s gonna take some time to used to it, but I’m so freaking happy that we didn’t let this ruin what we have now and I’m so glad that You’re still by my side whenever I need You. ‘Cause honestly, all of this has been tearing us apart from each other so much and maybe it’s for the best this way. Now I can start to try and fix myself and my life, ’cause it’s pretty fucking fucked up right now…

“There’s no good in lookin’ back on yesterday
And wondering what could have happened then”

Okay, now, it’s gonna happen, we’re going to talk, or She doesn’t know that, but I’m gonna talk. So we’ll see if my life becomes better, stays the same or goes downhill. I’m so scared things will fuck up, and I’ll lose You again, but we’ll see.

Okay, I wasn’t that calm today at all. My heart rate was(is) very high and my whole body has been tense all day. And people are really worried about me. A friend, who has helped me a lot, said that I should go get something that could help me be relaxed; ’cause it’s really hard to concentrate and sleep when your whole body is on overdrive. So after school I went and bought some kind of drops that are supposed to be helping. She also said that I should start taking some “real” pills as well if things become worse, but we’ll see. Today, when I woke up, I started writing another song, that is starting to turn out pretty okay.

This weekend has been hellish. We’ve been touring with the school on this choirthing, and we’ve visited some churches, and there has been lots of people in them, and lots of people means you need to smile a lot. So I’ve put all my energy in smiling this weekend. Then last night I couldn’t take it any more, so I had an “outbreak” and it was very scary. But it was one of the smallest ones that I’ve had. Now I’m pretty calm and I hope I don’t get one again in a while. Now I just need to get through this week, and I really need to talk to You. Now You’re sitting there in front of me, we’re talking, we’re laughing, You’re singing, but I feel this strange feeling inside, one that I can’t really explain, I feel sad, but happy at the same time. I wanna start crying, but then on the other hand I just want hug You, but I’m too scared… I’m just too scared.

Lots of thoughts and moods today, the whole day has been the weirdest. But now after a walk in the snowy weather, I’m gonna try to sleep a bit now and pray for things to turn right.

Saturday morning, I’ve slept pretty okay, but I’ve had many many thoughts head about pretty much everything. I’ve been thinking about how the fuck am I supposed to get over this, it feels so huge, and I just feel like it’s dragging me down so deep that I can’t see the light anymore. I know I need to start fixing this, but I just don’t really know where to begin. I think a good start would be to talk to You, but I’m scared…

Friday night, I was just and ate with my parents and my brothers, and it was kind of fun to see all of them at the same time. But I got these fucking feelings again, in the middle of eating, I just wanted to scream as loud as I could, but I didn’t do it of course. I’m so lost right now, I don’t know what’s happening with me, I wasn’t like this a year ago. And I’m sorry to say this but; you fucked up my life, you blamed me for things I didn’t do, you put everything on me, and I thought that you knew me, I thought you knew how I was, but if you had really known me, you wouldn’t have piled all that shit on me. So I hope you’re happy now, you’ve moved on, probably started to forget me piece by piece, but I still remember, I remember the things you said, the things you did that weren’t good, I still remember all the bad you said to me, when I tried, I did everything for it to work, but it didn’t work anymore, then you just made it worse. So now I only hope you’re happy…

I’m still very confused about the meeting I had, the person gave me so much to think about, I don’t even know where to start. I don’t know what to say. But I know what’s wrong, I think. I just don’t know why. But I’m not completely sure on what I should do next. And the “healing process” is gonna long and painful.

Whoa! that’s all I can say; whoa! So I went and talked to this person, and we came up with lots of interesting and a bit scary things, but not nearly as scary as I thought they would be. So now I got a lot to think about and do. And it turned out that I don’t have anything serious, I’m just a bit fucked up. I really don’t know what more to say. So let’s start the very serious thinking and see what happens.

I’m really nervous and scared to go talking.. What if it turns out that I have something real, something huge. And I’m really scared that I’m gonna have to let you go, if things aren’t going the way I’d like. Because it might be You that’s pulling me down, or at least the feelings that I have for You, the ones I keep inside. So it could be for the best if I’d tell them to You and see what You’d say, but I’m scared that if I say them out loud things wouldn’t become so great, that is if You don’t know  what to say back. And then it would all become like it was before; just SHIT…..

Today I woke and my head was so heavy, I wonder if it’s possible to think so much that your head is so messed up that it can’t keep up with everything anymore. So, Thursday today, and I’m gonna go talk about my problems with a professional, and it’s kinda scary, but it has to be done. It’s strange you know, when I’m with You, I smile, I laugh, I’m happy, but then on the inside it’s like, why? why can’t You? why can’t we just try? I guess I should just wait for You to say something, but I’m so tired of waiting, I’m so tired of keeping all of this inside, I’m so tired of trying not to love You, I’m so tired of trying to forget You…

FuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!!!!!! I should really need to talk to You, but I’m way too scared. I’m so fucking scared that I will fuck things up again. Things are so good between You and me, and I’d hate for it to be like it used to be, on the other hand, I can’t take this anymore. I’m so confused, and I feel like I want to cry and scream as loud as I can, non-stop, for a year. I honestly don’t know at all what to do, I’m so scared of losing You..

I actually think that I slept good last night, about 4-5 hours. Today there’s a lot I need to have done so I hope I get something else to think about than the bad thoughts in my head. Anyway, tomorrow is the day, Thursday, when I’m gonna go and let it all out, everything that is on my mind, I’m just gonna spill it all. And that feels kinda good, but still, I’m a bit scared to talk about that kinda of shit, but I think it’s time, ’cause I don’t know what I should do anymore

the clock is about 01:30 am, I came home about 1 o’clock from my walk. There was a lot of thinking but I don’t think I came up with any good solution to my problem…Now I’m gonna try to get some sleep, if my thoughts will let me that is..

I was right! Today was an okay day. I was tired and wanted to go somewhere else, but I managed to keep some of the worst thoughts away. But still, the more I think about You and me, the more scared I become, scared of the thoughts surrounding us, that all the things that has happened between us, all that we’ve been through, all the feelings I’m having for, would be for nothing. And I keep thinking; It’ll all be fine! But what if it won’t? I think I’ll do fine without You near me; but what if I won’t? What if it all just becomes worse? But I’ve decided, I’m ready to fall into a deep hole once again, but it could be that I don’t fall. I’m gonna come up with a fucking hugeass plan to try to get You, then I’ve at least tried once and for all, and if I fail, well then things will be really bad, because then I don’t think if I have the strength to try anymore, and then I will most probably fall into a deep hole so dark and scary that you can’t imagine it, that only goes deeper… But I’m willing to fall into that hole once I know I’ve given it my all..

Today feels like an okay day, I’m still pretty tired but my head doesn’t feel that messed up. I don’t feel that happy though, but I’m sure I’ll laugh and smile anyway, but it might not be real. Today I have a very long day, and the thoughts of talking on Thursday is very scary, but it’s something I think I have to do to help me keep on going, then I should talk with You too but that’s way too scary so I’m just gonna wait and see how things turn out.

Just got home from school, today was a very weird day, I don’t know in how many different moods I’ve been in today already, and they change so fast too, so fast that it’s almost scary. Today I told You that I don’t feel happy on the inside anymore; then you gave me that look, that look which can be described as: I feel sorry for you but I don’t know what to say. Then later I realized that there are times when I actually do feel happy on the inside, that is every time when I’m with You. I’m really scared for the future, if it happens that everything what I want won’t happen, and I don’t see You anymore, that I’d lose You. And that I don’t want, never ever.

Now it’s Monday again, I’ve slept about 3 and a half hours, and I’m not int the mood for school today, I’m really not. I’m tired and I feel a bit pissed and I don’t know why. Soon all the “happy people” will arrive and  then they’ll expect me to be happy as well, and maybe I don’t wanna be happy today, maybe I just wanna be sad and alone. Then some of them will think like, Well, he’s no fun, and go somewhere else. But then there’s You, You just lifted your arm and smiled at me and then I smiled back. That’s gotta be good, and I think that means something too, You always make me smile no matter how crappy it is.

Today has been an okay day, not good but not too bad. School starts in six hours, that means I should try and get some sleep. I really hope this week will be a lot better than last week, I really do. So I’m gonna try and get some sleep now…

The two last nights I’ve been sleeping quite okay, not good but okay. I’ve slept for a long time but not that good, and I’m guessing the alcohol might have had an effect on the sleeping. These last two days has also been some of the best I’ve had in a while, and for that I’m glad. Tomorrow it’s Monday again, and I made a promise to myself, not be any happier than I actually feel, or wanna be. This weekend I’ve had some good times with my friends, and I’ve been laughing a bit as well. But I still don’t know what the fuck is going on in my head.. I’ll get back to you later today

I didn’t write that much yesterday ’cause I didn’t find any words to say. But today I’m almost kinda happy, and I think that’s good. But I’m still not happy, I don’t laugh nearly as much as I did a year ago or even a month ago, and that scares me a bit. It’s like I don’t know myself anymore. I’ve become something I don’t wanna be. The only time I’m not scared of who I am, and I can be myself, is when I’m with You. I don’t know why, but that’s true, and the thoughts of not having You near me scares me and pulls me down..

“Because I’m sick and tired of “You’ll be fine.
Well how do you know, can you read minds?”

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

So now it’s Friday, I’ve slept the best I’ve slept week this last night, but I’m still tired as shit. I  always have very mixed up feelings about Friday. It’s good that I get to go home and think of something else than school, but I don’t like being at home, it makes me sad. And then I don’t get to see You everyday and that just sucks. It’s kinda strange but I actually miss You already, and it’s still like 4 hours until I don’t see You. And it feels strange, missing someone when they aren’t even gone yet. But Friday is a very strange day and I don’t know what to say about it

“She makes me feel like it’s raining outside
And when the storms gone I’m all torn up inside”

It’s funny how You make me feel. It’s funny how You make me smile just by looking at me. How You always make me happier just by being You. I love it how You with every word You say lift my spirit up more and more. I love it how I can be myself, I mean like really be myself, when I’m with You. I love it how fun we can have, even when things aren’t so great. I love it how we can just sit still and talk about anything.

But sometimes I hate how much love to do these things with You. Because every time we do something I start to think about You in that way, and then I get sad ’cause I don’t know what I should do, and I hate that feeling.

If You only knew what I was thinking.                                                                                              If You only knew what I would want.                                                                                                 If You only felt the same…

Today I’ve been totally lost, I’ve been tired and my head has been all messed up. And right now I’d just like to get up and go, don’t where but I don’t wanna be here, ’cause I sometimes get so sad when I look at you and you smile at me. I’m so lost ’cause I don’t know what to do, I think I should talk to You, but I’m kinda scared to bring that kinda stuff up again. You look so happy and I’m afraid that if I start talking about stuff, that I’d bring You down with me and I’d hate that! Then again, I don’t wanna be like this, live with these thoughts of You and me and not doing anything about it. But I hope that we’d get a chance to talk soon, or maybe I don’t, I don’t really know right now.

I got an email from a person today to who I sent an email to on Monday. I’m gonna go talk to this person and I really hope she’ll be able to help me find out what the F is happening with me, ’cause honestly, I really don’t know what’s going on. I don’t like talking to people about my problems, but now I think I really need to

Come here, please hold my hand Lord now
Help me, I’m scared please show me how to fight this,
God has a master plan and I guess
I am in His demand

Please save me, this time I cannot run
And I’ll see you when this is done
And now I have come to realize
That you are the one who’s left behind

Please stay until I’m gone
I’m here hold on
To me I’m right here waiting

I see, a light it feels good
And I’ll come back soon just like you would
It’s useless, my name has made the list
And I wish, I gave you one last kiss

Please stay until I’m gone
I’m here hold on
To me I’m right here waiting
And take my one last breath,
and don’t forget
That I will be right here waiting

Today has been almost an okay day, I’ve been very tired but me head hasn’t been as messed up as the past two days, and that’s good. But right now I really don’t know what I should do, and that’s kinda scary, not knowing what the fuck is going on…

“We can talk
We can joke
We can smile
We can laugh
We can touch
We can keep on doing this
But why? What for?
Why?
When we can’t feel
When we can’t open
When we’re too scared
When we’re lost
When we can’t love
So why try? Why?
Why keep tearing?
Why?”

Today, I’m tired as shit. It’s a good thing I don’t have a very long school day. It’s kinda funny, how people avoid you when you’re depressed, not all of them but some of ‘em. Right now I’d really like to just get up and leave, some place else, don’t know where but I just don’t wanna be here.

You know that we should talk, we haven’t talked about stuff for a long time. But we should really need to talk about shit. But right now you’re further away from me than you’ve been in a long time…

Today I’ve been thinking veryveryvery much and I came up with some pretty fucked up shit. What if I’m just faking everything? What if I just don’t wanna sleep well? What if I’m sad and depressed because I want to? What if I just want people to worry about me, when really there is nothing there but me faking it all? What if I just want people to feel pity for me but tell them not to? What if I just want attention, to be noticed? What if I want people to care about me? But I know they already care about me. What if I am this way because I want to be like this? What if all of this is just me thinking that this is some kind of sick way to make You mine? What if I could be happy instead of sad if I wanted to? Then just why don’t I? What if I’m just so obsessed with You that I can’t stop this until I have what I want? What if You don’t feel the things you’ve told me? What if I should just give up? But what if all of this it’s just some crap that’s in my head making me think that I’m faking it when I’m not? What if I really am “fucked up”?

I really need some help…

…that used to make me happy don’t make me happy anymore, and I hate it! Mostly, I get happy for like a couple of seconds but then my head says ‘You’re not happy, you’re sad and depressed’ and then I turn the darkness on again. These last four hours in school I’ve been practically sleeping but still being awake, my head is still overflowing with thoughts and feelings which I can’t seem to get rid of! A good friend of mine said to me that he remembers the time when I was laughing all the time. Honestly, that memory is starting to fade away, ’cause I can’t remember the last time everything was fine and I was really happy on the outside as well as on the inside. The old me, the funny haha me, is starting to slip away…

“I guess I just got lost bein’ someone else
I tried to kill the pain nothin’ ever helped
I left myself behind somewhere along the way
Hopin’ to come back around to find myself someday”

Okay, I’ve been trying to stay positive but it just ain’t working so good, It just feels like my head is about to explode into a million pieces… I’ve tried to laugh, but it doesn’t feel right. Right now I’d just wanna scream, as loud as I can, but then all the people around me would start look at me, thinking I was a freak, maybe I am, I don’t know… Oh well, just four more hours..

Okay, after about three hours of sleep it’s time for school again… YAY!!! and no less than eight hours of school. But today I’m gonna change my attitude (at least try) so that it won’t be as it was yesterday, ’cause I don’t want that shit. My head is still pretty messed up, but I hope the thoughts will go away one by one if I don’t think about them, so I’m gonna try. And now, I’m gonna say something I usually don’t say; Have a good day everyone!

So I got a chance to be alone for a while, it was about 1 am and thought, ‘Well, I’m not gonna get any sleep anyway’, so I went for a walk to try and clear out my head. And the walk was like one of the best ones I’ve had. I went to see an old “friend” Sri Chinmoy and chilled with him for a while. Then I walked past the spot where we once laid and and watched the moon. I remember it very clearly, you just took away all my troubles and we were just in that moment, that moment where nothing matters, nothing other than that moment. Then I continued walking, I went to the big rock where we also once sat and had fun, just talking about all kinds of stuff. It’s funny, ’cause then I just started walking somewhere and my thoughts were just bouncing in my head and they still do, and now that I really think, I can’t remember anything of what I was thinking when I was walking and that makes me kinda sad. Then at one point, when I have walked for a long time, I suddenly stopped all my thoughts an I looked up and I was like, ‘Where the fuck am I?’ So it took a while to figure out where I was and then I walked home. But it was so nice to walk, not a single person out, deadquiet and nothing to think about than me. But yeah now, about two hours later, it’s still all messed up in my head and I don’t think I’m gonna sleep so much… But fuck me, this day has been just hellish, so please let the next be at least a little better!!

Now it’s almost 9 o’clock and I can just say one thing; Fuck Monday!!!! Fuck this fucking shit day!!! Today I’ve been so fucked on the inside that I can’t even believe it myself. I’ve been trying to smile, laugh and look like I don’t have anything to worry about, but fuck me! Every time when I want to be alone there’s always people there, smiling and laughing, and I’m like, ‘Can’t you all just leave me the fuck alone!!’ All day I’ve been surrounded by people. And I’m so scared that I might just scream at them and tell them to fuck off! And right now I just wanna scream ’till my lungs explode and cry ’till my eyes starts to bleed… And I’ve been having all these fucked up feelings which I can’t get rid off and they’re tearing me up inside, and I just wanna disappear someplace where nobody knows me or gives a fuck about me!!! I FUCKING HATE THESE FEELINGS/THOUGHTS/NOT BEING ABLE TO JUST GET OUT OF HERE AND BE ALONE!!!!!!!!!

This song says it all

Jealousy… Now that’s a BITCH!!! It’s probably one of the most unnecessary feelings in the world!! I hate that feeling!! And it’s one of those feelings that are hard to get rid of!! And if I start thinking something like that I get pissed and sad and depressed and that’s no good…

Monday, they used to be one of the best days, but not today, today I just want this Monday to end.. Everybody is so, I don’t know smiling and laughing, and I try to tag along but it doesn’t feel right, and then if I go sad everyone will realize it and then they’ll be like, ‘How is it?’ or ‘Is something wrong?’ and I don’t want them to ask me that, because then I’ll start thinking that, ‘Yes, something is wrong’. And then It’ll be just worse…

So now I just want this Monday to end, but it’s gonna be a while before it ends so… FUCK THIS!! PUT ON THAT SMILE AND EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE!!!! FUCK!!…..

You’re always on my mind
I think of the way you laugh
You always bring me around
Even when I don’t want to

You make me forget about
About everything that troubles me
You take me to a place
A place where I wanna stay

Someone take me far away from here
I’m so sick of all of this
Someone help me make this right
Cause I don’t know what’s going on
And I don’t want to be like this
So someone take me far away

I almost lost you once
Because I fell for you
Now I keep it all inside
Even though it hurts so

Then it all turned around
When you fell for me as well
Now we both keep it inside
Because we’re too afraid

Someone take me far away from here
I just wanna be alone
Someone help me make this right
My head is killing me
And I don’t wanna live like this
So someone take me far away

Someone take me far away from here
I can’t take this anymore
Someone help me make this right
All I want is to be with you
And don’t wanna live without you
Someone take me far away from you
So that I could try to forget you

School starts in about 7 hours, so that means I can sleep for a long time, if I could sleep that is.. Anyway, today has been a quite okay day actually. But tomorrow, I have to put this mask again, the one with the big smile and the ‘I’m fine’ look on it. It’s so hard to be sad in school, or maybe it’s not that hard, but I don’t wanna be sad in school, because pretty much everybody else is like laughing all the time and they look like they haven’t got a thing to worry about, I know that’s not true but looks like it.. The good thing is that I get to see Her again, and I’ve waited the weekend just to see her smile, it’s kinda hard to explain but every time I see Her it’s like everything gets a little better and that’s good. But yeah, it’s time to put the mask on..

“Please, would you one time just let me be myself”

So I’m out walking with my friend (girl) in the city, you know just talking about stuff. And then of course I see You, but I look the other way hoping you might not have noticed me, but I’m pretty sure You did, so now I’m just waiting for You to say something to me, and I really hope You won’t pull me down again. We haven’t talked in a while now, it’s kinda strange that you don’t talk to the person with whom you spent three years with, but it just hurts so when You say things to me that You have no idea about how I felt or what I was going through. But I’m just gonna wait and see..

Last night was okay, there was a lot of laughing and smiling, but still that’s not way it’s on the inside.. But it was so fun seeing these friends that I haven’t seen in a while so. But it’s strange you know, no matter how fun you’re having, your mind still wanders away to all that shit that’s in your head, and no matter who you’re with you still start to think about Her, and wondering what she is doing, if she misses me, if she wants to see me as much as I want to see her.. But that’s all so fucked up so I’m gonna take it another time..

So Sunday, that means I get to “move” again for a week. And that feels good, school tomorrow with all the funny, loving, caring and a bit weird people (in a good way). And then She’ll be there as well. So let’s see what today brings!

“I’ve been here before a few times
And I’m quite aware we’re dying”

I really don’t like being here, it’s way too quiet and there’s not much to do. And when it’s quiet around me, my thoughts take over, and I don’t like it, because my thoughts aren’t usually the great ones, they’re more like ones when you just wanna tear your brain out from your head and say ‘Shut the fuck up!!!’… But you can’t do that so I guess I’ll just have to deal with it…

Soon, I hope I get something else to think about. I’m gonna go to some friends and have fun (hopefully). Then tomorrow it’s Sunday again, and then I get to leave this place for at least a week. And on Monday I get to see Her again.

“I’m so happy ’cause today I found my friends, they’re in my head”

Hi there!
This is my very first blog, I thought it would be good idea to have a place where I could write down all of my thoughts and that kinda shit so there will be lots of random stuff and I’m pretty sure there will be some fucked up shit here as well when I talk about my daily life and thoughts.
So, I’m a 18 year old dude. I listen to a lot of music, Foo Fighters, Nirvana, Blink-182, Simple Plan, 3 Doors Down, Nickelback, Rise Against Sum 41 etc. I play drums and a bit guitar, I like long walks in the moonlight at night, food, school (believe it or not), chewing gum, I sleep on the floor..
Oh yeah, aaaaaand my life pretty up side down, and it has been that for about a year so…