Saturday 12.5 16:46
So this is my first whole day at the mental hospital at Roparnäs. I got here yesterday and it turned out I’m not allowed to have a computer after all, so much for my ‘I’m gonna keep posting’. So I’ve decided to write by hand and then rewrite it on my blog when I get the chance.
So here I am. locked in an apartment with a bunch of other depressed people, most of them has that ‘kill me please!’ face expression. And they are all like over 40, or at least the ones I’ve seen. There are a few nurses as well, of course, but they go home and others come etc. There’s really not much to do here, so I watch television, read and thank God for my guitar!!
I have my own claustrofobic room. Windows locked in case I’d wanna jump. I’m not allowed to have my phone charger in my room in case I’d wanna hang myself, I have to ask for it. My mother came by today and brought me my mp3 and headphones, which I’m allowed to have. She also brought me lots of music papers that I can play guitar, and also a drawing that You once did for me.
These two days I’ve been reading a lot, playing guitar (blisters? Check!) and watching television. Hospitalfood sucks!!
Saturday 12.5 22:35
Today I’ve been lost all day, my mind has been full of all kinds of shit. And now I just wanna sleep, I’ll write more tomorrow.
Sunday 13.5 08:13
A new morning. I slept quite okay, I woke up and went and had breakfast. Afterwards this one patient, a woman in her forties, said good morning to me. I was so stunned that I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded my head. It just feels like I kinda don’t belong here; everyone here could be my mother or father, some could even be one of my grandparents.
Sunday 13.5 21:15
Boredom, just boredom, foods tastes like garbage, my mood is at the bottom, I just feel like killing myself or at least hurting myself, lucky me there isn’t anything I could use. Today I’ve surprisingly been playing guitar, reading and watching television. New nurses have been here and today some new people came, or not new but new to me. Tomorrow, first thing, I’m gonna go and take a blood test, needles, great.
Sunday 13.5 22:13
Feels weird having to borrow your own phone charger and then saying ‘thank you’ for using it, before it goes behind locks again.
Monday 14.5 09:45
Today I get my own nurse, who I will get to know and who will get to know me.
Tuesday 14.5 11:13
My God these days are long!! After the blood test thing I went and talked with a doctor and I met my nurse. The doctor asked all kinds of stuff, and he said he will increase my medication. He also said that I’m gonna be here at least this month. Yesterday I watched this program about whales for an hour ’cause I couldn’t focus on anything else. Yesterday I also had some one on one time with my nurse, and she asked me questions about me and about my family and stuff like that. Today she asked me if I’d like to go home on Thursday and come back on Sunday, I said I’ll think about it.
Wednesday 15.5 21:36
Not really in the mood for writing . I’m gonna go home tomorrow for a while, don’t know for how long, but this place makes me kinda weird so I think it’ll be good to go home for a while. But I’m not really sure if I can trust myself when I’m at home. So we’ll see how long I can be at home before I’m scared of being there.